Popular jokes (31351 to 31365)

Depressed in bar

A guy walks into a bar, looking all depressed. He goes to the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender brings it to him and asks "Do you want to talk about something? You look kinda down in the dumps".

The guy says "Well, I've suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for months, so today I took the day off work to follow her. Well, when I came home, I caught her with my best friend!"

"Wow, that must have been hard!" the bartender says "What exactly do you say to your friend in a situation like that?"

The guy at the bar replies "Well, I looked him straight in the eye, and I yelled BAD DOG!"

A forester and a lawyer were i...

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.

Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says, "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Wait minute! How come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"

St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."

Hari Kondabolu: Environment Issue Magazine

I was on a plane recently; I was reading the in-flight magazine. The in-flight magazine for that particular trip was an environmental issue. I was reading about the environment while sitting on a pollution machine that can fly.

Doing this great deed for Heaven #joke #humor

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.

Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.

I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".

"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?

"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

Things to ponder
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Things to ponder
1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
3. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
4. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
5. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
6. Life is sexually transmitted
7. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
8. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, “Quit while you’re ahead?”
9. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die
10. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
11. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
12. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
13. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
14. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
15. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
16. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
17. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
18. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
19. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
20. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Marooned

An ambitious investment banker finally decided to take a

vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and

proceeded to have the time of his life. ...at least for

awhile. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down

and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the

shore of an island with no other people, no supplies,

nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 4-star hotels,

this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months

he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life,

and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement

out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was

the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to

him.

In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How

did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I

landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived.

How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a

rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up,

nothing did."

He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple." replied the woman "I made the rowboat out of

raw material that I found on the island. The oars were

whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm

branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus

tree."

"But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had

no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south

side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial

rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain

temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile

iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the

hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you

live?"

Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the

beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a

small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out

of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an

exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman

tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man

could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the

house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home.

Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any

more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a

still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted,

and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had

exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to

slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take

a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet

in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the

bathroom.

There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle.

Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to

its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is

amazing," he mused, "what next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines

(strategically positioned) and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she

began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been

out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's

something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now,

something you've been longing for all these months? You

know... "

She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was

hearing: "You mean-- ?", he replied, "--I can check my voice

mail from here?"

Reaching the end of a job inte...

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

A Cultural Comparison

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.

Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.

Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.


Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.

Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.

Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.


Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.

Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.


Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.

Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.


Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.

Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.

Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.


Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.

Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.

Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.


Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".

Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".

Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.

Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to be cool.


Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.


Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.

Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.

Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.

Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.


Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.

Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.

Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

The Box

One day long ago, a man and woman got married. The man told the woman that there would always be a box under the bed but to never look into it. So they were married for 40 years and the woman never looked in the box. On the morning of their 40th anniversary, the wife looked in the box. In the box, there was about 300 dollars in small bills, and 3 empty beer bottles. At dinner that evening, the woman just had to ask. So she did, she asked "what are those beer bottles for, you know, in the box under the bed?" The man said, oh no, you looked. OK, Every time I've been unfaithful to you, I chugged a beer and put it in the box.
The wife says, well for forty years, that's not so bad. At night, the woman was having a bad night, she could not get to sleep, something was bugging her. Then she remembered. She shook awake her husband and asked, what was the money for, though. The guy says, what? The lady says, you know, the money in the box.

The guy says, well, every time the box filled up, I took it in and got money for the bottles.

You Are In Trouble

An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."

School absences....

THESE ARE ACTUAL SCHOOL ABSENCES (SUPPOSEDLY) FROM PARENTS -- INCLUDING SPELLING.

*My son is under a doctor's care today and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

*Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

*Dear School: Please ekscuse John for being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

*Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

*Please excuse Roland frrom P.E. for a few days. Yesterday, he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

*John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

*Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

*Megan could not come to school today because she has been botheres by very close veins.

*Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.

*Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

*Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

*Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

*Please excuse Jim for being. It was his father's fault.

*I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

*Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

*Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

*My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

*Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

*Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

*Please excuse brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.

*Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best, either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

A young blonde was on va...

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of the Northern Territory. She wanted a pair of genuine crocodile shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an crocodile.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. As he looks he sees a huge four-metre crocodile swimming quickly towards her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement as the blonde flips the crocodile on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Everybody should pay their tax...

Everybody should pay their taxes with a smile, said Bob. “I tried it but they wanted cash.”

Golf Ball Hunt

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"

A man walks into a doctor's su...

A man walks into a doctor's surgery. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear.