Popular jokes (31636 to 31650)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
the Top 11 Entries in Bill Gat...
the Top 11 Entries in Bill Gates's Diary"11. Invited entire tech-support department to play golf. Brought Melissa to complete the foursome.
10. Steve Jobs started work today. The silverware looks great, but he doesn't do windows -- yet.
9. The baby cries constantly. Maybe I'll buy Fisher-Price.
8. Bought my first Macintosh. It's sooooo cute!
7. Good day. Found over 15 bucks' worth of soda cans in the trash bins outside Microsoft headquarters.
6. Bad day. Ellison sent back the heads of two of the three hitmen I hired, along with a note saying he ate the third one whole.
5. Still ahead of Murdoch and Eisner. Yes!
4. Reminder: 35-cent Snapple coupon expires in two days!
3. Memo to self: Next time, when my wife says we need to buy china, she means dishes.
2. Ran into Demi and Ashton. Upped my offer to a billion dollars.
1. Seventh day: rested.
Hilarious jokes-Philosophy of Life
"In a closet," he replied. "I wanted to know what life really is."
"And have you found an answer?"
"Yes," he replied. "I think it can best be expressed by saying that life is like a bridge."
"That's all well and good," replied the colleague, "but can you be a little more explicit? Can you tell me how life is like a bridge?"
"Oh," replied the philosopher after some thought, "maybe you're right; perhaps life is not like a bridge."
Flying pill
A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.
The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."
Sea Sickness...
Tom had never been on a fishing boat before, and he was now thinking it was the stupidest thing he'd ever done in his life. Who would ever have believed that seasickness could be this awful? With every pitch and roll, Tom wondered how he was going to survive the remaining two hours of the trip.
One of the deckhands came up to him and said, "Don't worry, young fella. Nobody ever died of seasickness."
"You've just taken away my last hope for relief," Tom said.
Signs of the times....
These are supposedly actual signs. You be the judge. Whether or not they are real, they sure are funny! In the front yard of a funeral home,
'Drive carefully, we'll wait.'
On an electrician's truck,
'Let us remove your shorts.'
Outside a radiator repair shop,
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
In a nonsmoking area,
'If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
On a maternity room door,
'Push, Push, Push.'
On a front door,
'Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.'
At an optometrist's office,
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
On a taxidermist's window,
'We really know our stuff.'
On a butcher's window,
'Let me meat your needs.'
On a fence,
'Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.'
At a car dealership,
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
Outside a muffler shop,
'No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.'
In a dry cleaner's emporium,
'Drop your pants here.'
On a desk in a reception room,
'We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.'
In a veterinarian's waiting room,
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
In a Beauty Shop,
'Dye now!'
In a restaurant window,
'Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.'
Inside a bowling alley,
'Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.'
In a cafeteria,
'Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.'
A man goes to the police stati...
A man goes to the police station wanting to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before. ‘You’ll get your chance in court,’ says the desk sergeant.‘No, no, no! says the man. ‘I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!’
Nurse: Good morning Mr. Smith...
Nurse: Good morning Mr. Smith, you seem to be coughing much more easily this morning.Mr. Smith: That’s because I’ve been practicing all night.
At the Race Track
A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by 2 female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the sporting industry, but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the gents when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their trousers, and began lifting the little boys up one by one, and held onto their "john thomases" to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th."
"No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow, but thanks for the lift."
A boy comes home from school a
A boy comes home from school and says to his mom,” I lost my virginity today".His mom replies angrily, "You tell your father about what you've done, when he gets home!" His dad comes home about twenty minutes later and he tells his dad that he lost his virginity. His dad says, "Good job son! How was it?
Then the son says, "It was pretty good Dad, but do you have any Vaseline? My ass hurts."
The first suit?
A little boy opened the big, old family Bible with fascination and looked at the old pages as he turned them.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
Knock Knock Collection 029
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Burton!
Burton who?
Burton in the hand is worth two in the bush!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bush!
Bush who?
Bush your money where your mouth is!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butch!
Butch who?
Butch your arms around me!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butcher!
Butcher who?
Butcher money where your mouth is!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter!
Butter who?
Butter bring an umbrella, it looks like it might rain!
