Popular jokes (31621 to 31635)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Location...Location...Location
Benny had told all his friends about the delicious steak he'd eaten in the Delancey Street restaurant the day before. So they decided to go down there and see if it was really as large and delicious as he said. But, much to their disappointment, the waiter brought them the tiniest steak they'd ever seen.
"See here, my good man," Benny barked. "I was in this restaurant yesterday, and you served me a big, juicy steak, and now today, when I've organized a party and highly recommended this place, you serve such a small one."
"Yes, sir," replied the waiter. "But yesterday you were sitting by the window."
A man walks into a bar a...
A man walks into a bar and sees a jar with money in it and a horse standing next to it. The bartender told the man to put a dollar in the jar and make the horse laugh. So the man put a dollar into the jar and told the horse something. Suddenly the horse began to laugh hysterically. The man took the money and left.
The next day the man walked into the bar and saw the jar of money and the horse standing next to it. This time, the bartender told the man to make the horse cry. The man put a dollar in the jar, walked over to the horse, and the horse began to wail and cry. The man took the money and as he was about to leave when the bartender asked him "How did you do that?"
The man replied "On the first day, I told the horse my penis was longer than his, and on the second day, I showed him."
After Quasimodo's death, ...
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter" said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell"
But, WAIT, There's more...
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on His heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped, picked up a mallet and struck the bells as beautifully as his brother. But as he finished, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
A man visits his psychiatrist
A man visits his psychiatrist and talks about being haunted by visions of his departed relatives.He says, "These ghosts are perched on the tops of fence posts around my garden every night. They sit there and watch me and watch me. What can I do?"
The psychiatrist says, "That's easy - just sharpen the tops of the posts."
Purchasing The Shoes
A shoeseller meets a mathematician and complains that he does not know what size shoes to buy. "No problem," says the mathematician, "there is a simple equation for that," and he shows him the Gaussian normal distribution. The shoeseller stares some time at het equation and asks, "What is that symbol?" "That is the Greek letter pi." "What is pi?" "That is the ratio between the circumference and the diameter of a circle." Upon this the shoeseller cries out: "What does a circle have to do with shoes?!"
Business One-liners 68
If the slightest probability for an unpleasant event to happen exists, the event will take place, preferably during a demonstration.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
If there isn't a law, there will be.
If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of 10 it will.
If there is light at the end of the tunnel...order more tunnel.
If things were left to chance, they would be better.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one great education!
If you aim for the stars but only make it to the moon, remember there are people who have not yet made it to the moon.
If you are already in a hole, there is no use to continue digging.
Teacher: Why are you late? R...
Teacher: Why are you late?Student: Because, of the sign!
Teacher: What sign?
Student: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
Doctor visit...
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
Question and answer jokes
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: No? Good!
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of pond scum?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary.
The long line
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do ya see me fucking the guy in front of me?"
Kids jokes-CD Holder
During our home addition, the electrician was working in the backyard and Lili had gone to play in the sandbox, leaving her new CD holder on the patio table. My wife saw it and told Lili she was going to put it in the house.
Lili stood up in the sandbox and said, "Mommy, make sure you put it where the sun doesn't shine!"
The electrician took a break.
