Popular jokes (31726 to 31740)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
It changed the meaning...
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.
"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"
"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell 'convenience,' so I made it 'risk.'"
Jingle Bells
Jingle b...
Jingle BellsJingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way!
O what fun it is to flaunt in public that you're Gay!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way!
O what fun it is to flaunt in public that you're Gay!
A day or two ago, I thought I'd take a ride
And soon a buff Marine was seated by my side.
His chest was lean and hard, and free from any hair
And when I stripped him of his clothes
His legs went in the air!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way!
O what fun it is to flaunt in public that you're Gay!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way!
O what fun it is to flaunt in public that you're Gay!
#joke
Marriage Quotes 10
Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.
May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.
May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.
May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.
May you never leave your marriage alive.
May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house.
Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. --H.L. Mencken
My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay, In better spirits night and day.
My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.
Which soldiers smell of salt a...
Which soldiers smell of salt and pepper?An old man was wondering if hi...
An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her chair. He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response.He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response. Finally, he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"
She replied, "for the third time, yes!"
#joke #food #honey
Knock Knock Collection 105
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Jose!
Jose who!
Jose can you see...!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Josette!
Josette who!
Josette down!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Juan!
Juan who!
Juan to hear some more of these?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Juan!
Juan who!
Juan of these days, pow, right in the kisser!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Juanita!
Juanita who!
Junita nother burger?
#joke #food #burger
With all my love
A jeweler was approached by his regular client, Mrs. Havers with a strange request.
Mrs. Havers, who was divorced, asked the jeweler to make two earrings from her inscribed wedding band - while one earring read 'with all', the other one read, 'my love.'
The jeweler was curious and asked her why she wanted it like that.
Mrs. Havers replied, "Its only to remember that the next time someone says that to me, I should let it go in one ear and out the other."
#joke #wedding
Flowers
A woman tells her friend that Interflora just delivered a bunch of flowers from her husband.
"Now I guess he'll want me to spend the entire weekend on my back with my legs in the air"
"Why?" asks her friend "Don't you have a vase?"
#joke #short
Strange Headline News
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
A bird dropped a snake over a California power station, short-circuiting a line and causing a two-hour blackout.
A Creighton University (Nebraska) Law School senior, told she wouldn't graduate because of a failing grade on a final exam, sued her professor, claiming he flunked her because she is "politically incorrect."
Biloxi, Mississippi, jurors acquitted a woman of drug charges, then passed the hat to collect $55 to pay her bus fare home to Texas.
A man allegedly held up 18 New York businesses after casing the places while filling out job or rental applications. The spree ended after he accidentally signed his real name on one of the forms, police said.
Harlan County, Nebraska, Assessor Floyd Schippert was unopposed in the Democratic primary, and just to be sure, he entered -- and won -- the Republican primary also.
Willie Turner wasn't running for the Dendron, Virginia, Town Council. He didn't even vote. But he won with five write-in votes.
A Hollywood, California man is accused of renting cars, selling them, then stealing them back for return to the rental companies.
Corpus Christi, Texas, police said it was a hit-and-gallop accident: A man crashed his truck into the back of a car, then fled on the horse he was pulling in the trailer.
#joke #policeman #animal #horse #bird #snake
Business One-liners 36
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.
The business plan you prepare must be a lie; but it must be a detailed and precise lie rather than a vague and general lie.
The business world worships mediocrity. Officially, we revere free enterprise, initiative, and individuality. Unofficially, we fear it.
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh...
The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
The chaos in the universe always increases.
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
#joke #food #bread
Business One-liners 63
If at first you don't succeed, give up. No use being a stupid fool.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not your sport.
If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset.
If at first you don't succeed, try something else.
If at first you don't succeed, well...darn.
If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care anyway.
If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.
If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
If at first you don't succeed, your successor will.
#joke #sport
Jill: Have you noticed that I'...
Jill: Have you noticed that I've been on a crash diet? Jack: Oh, is that why you look like a wreck?#joke #short
Answering Machine Message 214
I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.
#joke #short
