Popular jokes (31771 to 31785)

Answering Machine Message 214

I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.

I have learned that if you ups...

I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you...

If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment...

Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?

A dying mans wish...

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelop containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.

A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness.

The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelop, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.

By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelop I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.

One day, an employee received ...

One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it.

The following week, her check was for less that the normal amount, and she confronted her boss.

“How come,” the supervisor inquired, “you didn’t say anything when you were overpaid?”

Unperturbed, the employee replied, “Well, I can overlook one mistake – but not two in a row!”

Jon Dore: Old Garbage Pail

Have you ever tried to throw out an old garbage pail? Cant be done. For the last month, Ive had it out there every single week and the garbage men dont get it. I even put a sign on it, garbage. What do I got to do, put it in another garbage pail? No, not going to do that.

A patron ordered a Manhattan. ...

A patron ordered a Manhattan. When it was served there was a piece of parsley floating in the glass.

"What in the world is this?" asked the man.

The bartender peered into the glass and replied, "That's Central Park."

Knock Knock Collection 020

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Austin!
Austin who?
Austin corrected!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Avenue!
Avenue who?
Avenue head the good news!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Avocado!
Avocado who?
Avocado a cold!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Axel!
Axel who?
Axeldental Tourist!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Axl!
Axl who?
Axl me nicely and I might just tell you!

A good politician is quite as ...

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
H. L. Mencken

Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs, and I've been to too many parties.
George Clooney

Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material.
Dave Letterman

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
P. J. ORourke

Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.
Robert Louis Stevenson

Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.
Ronald Reagan

Bee Jokes 05

Q: Why did the queen bee kick out all of the other bees?

A: Because they kept droning on and on!


Q: What do you call a bee born in May?

A: A maybe!


Q: What kind of bee can't be understood?

A: A mumble bee!


Q: Where do bees keep their money?

A: In a honey box!


Q: What TV station do bees watch?

A: Bee bee c one!


Q: What did the bee say to the naughty bee?

A: Bee-hive yourself!


Q: Why did the bees go on strike?

A: Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers!


Q: Why do bees have sticky hair?

A: Beacuse of the honey combs!


Q: What is black and yellow and buzzes along at 30,000 feet?

A: A bee is an aeroplane!

Texan With A New Car

Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know that smart aleck Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back."
"Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."
"I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now." Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"

Computer Lingo Guide

Log on - Adding a log to your wood stove
Log off - Don't add a log to your wood stove
Monitor - Keep an eye on the wood stove
Megahertz - When a big log drops on your bare foot in the morning
Floppy disk - What you get from piling too much wood into your wood stove
Ram - The hydraulic machine that makes the woodsplitter work
Drive - Getting home during most of the winter to your wood stove
Hard drive - Trying to get home during a heavy snow storm
Prompt - What you wish the mail was during the snow season
Enter - Come on in
Windows - What you must shut when the temperature hits 10 below
Screen - What is a must during black fly season
Chip - What you munch during a football games
Microchip - What's left in the bag when the normal chips are gone
Modem - What you did to your fields last July
Dot Matrix - Eino Matrix's wife
Laptop - Where the grandkids sit
Keyboard - Where you're supposed to put the keys so the wife can find them
Software - Plastic picnic utensils
Mouse - What leaves those little turds in the cupboard
Mainframe - The part of the house that holds up the roof
Port - Where the commercial fishing boats dock
Random Access Memory - When you can't remember how much you spent on the new deer rifle when wife asks about it

Does the terrorist business mo...

Does the terrorist business model involve vertical interrogation and just-in-timer delivery?

There is a subtle but importan

There is a subtle but important difference between the words "complete" and "finished."
When you marry the right one, you are complete.
When you marry the wrong one, you are finished.
And if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are completely finished.

Celebrity rumours: Yo-

Celebrity rumours: Yo-Yo Maw eats toys.

Bring Riches With You

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"