Popular jokes (31966 to 31980)

Raking

Q:

How Did The Blonde Break Her Leg While Raking?

A:

She Fell Out Of The Tree

Knock Knock Collection 112

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Kyoto!
Kyoto who?
Kyoto jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Laos!
Laos who?
Laos and found!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Lauren!
Lauren who?
Lauren order!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Laverne!
Laverne who?
Laverne of catastrophe!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Leaf!
Leaf who?
Leaf me alone!

Yo momma so fat she's got her ...

Yo momma so fat she's got her own zip code.

A man and his wife were return...

A man and his wife were returning from a party one evening. As the couple was driving home, she asked her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"

Totally flattered, he replied, "No, dear they haven't."

At that point she yelled, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"

I met a one-legged woman outsi...

I met a one-legged woman outside of a club the other day. She was a bouncer.

Bridge Over the River Quiet

JoAnn was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief JoAnn got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that JoAnn loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.
To teach JoAnn a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, and meet at another home but without her.
Sure enough, at the next bridge club meeting, JoAnn started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say . . . " Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door.
JoAnn was disconcerted, but only for a moment. Then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time because the bus doesn't leave until morning!"

A Doctor was addressing a larg...

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.. 'The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your
stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can
be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the
most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone
here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering
for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a
75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.'

Porcupines

Q: What do porcupines say after they kiss?

A: Ouch.

Wafo dis Check

A black woman in Chicago was admitted to the hospital for an abortion.

Two weeks later she received a check for $1,500.

She phoned the hospital to ask who it was from.

The hospital said "Crime Stoppers"

Six guys were playing poker wh...

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him.

An Australian travel writer to

An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Vancouver Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived."
"Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest details of his life."
The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test.
"G'dye, myte!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for brikfast on your 21st birthdye?"
"Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed.
He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-me Not's great memory. One local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than 'G'dye myte.'
On his return to the Vancouver Hilton six months later, he was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.
"How," said the Aussie.
"Scrambled," said the Chief.

Apples were very expensive in

Apples were very expensive in ancient Rome. Worst of all in Pomme-pay.

Sibling lessons...

Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.

"Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said, "Just flap your arms really *really* hard."

So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground two stories below.

Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, "What the heck happened?!?"

Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything someone tells him."

All political speechwriters sh

All political speechwriters should be sentenced to death by electoral-elocution.

Sequel

Seems like they're working on a sequel to the movie 'The Abyss'.

Rumor has it that they're going to call it, 'Son of Abyss'.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by calamjo