Popular jokes (31951 to 31965)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
“I have invented croc...
“I have invented crockery that comes to me when I whistle. My cup runneth over.”
The Minister and the Taxi Driver
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.Fortune cookie saying #8: You ...
Fortune cookie saying #8: You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.Program Managers
A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie."Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."
The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew."
"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.
The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest."
"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.
The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."
Strange Headline News
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
A bird dropped a snake over a California power station, short-circuiting a line and causing a two-hour blackout.
A Creighton University (Nebraska) Law School senior, told she wouldn't graduate because of a failing grade on a final exam, sued her professor, claiming he flunked her because she is "politically incorrect."
Biloxi, Mississippi, jurors acquitted a woman of drug charges, then passed the hat to collect $55 to pay her bus fare home to Texas.
A man allegedly held up 18 New York businesses after casing the places while filling out job or rental applications. The spree ended after he accidentally signed his real name on one of the forms, police said.
Harlan County, Nebraska, Assessor Floyd Schippert was unopposed in the Democratic primary, and just to be sure, he entered -- and won -- the Republican primary also.
Willie Turner wasn't running for the Dendron, Virginia, Town Council. He didn't even vote. But he won with five write-in votes.
A Hollywood, California man is accused of renting cars, selling them, then stealing them back for return to the rental companies.
Corpus Christi, Texas, police said it was a hit-and-gallop accident: A man crashed his truck into the back of a car, then fled on the horse he was pulling in the trailer.
You know you're too fat ... if...
You know you're too fat ... if you step on a scale and the reading says, "To be continued."Why do ghosts ride on elevator...
Why do ghosts ride on elevators? To raise their spirits!Little Johnny came running int...
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?""No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
A manager was soliciting resum...
A manager was soliciting resumes through a recruitment agency to fill in a senior staff member who had just resigned. The next day the recruitment agent came in to meet the manager and beaming he handed over a resume and said, "M'am, we have got just the right person you are looking for. The manager after skimming through the resume was visibly upset. Puzzled, the recruitment agent enquired what the matter was. The manager replied, "This candidate on the resume is the best we've got in our department".Did you hear about the man who...
Did you hear about the man who got lost in thought? He was in unfamiliar territory.Groups of Americans were trave...
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus throughHolland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them
through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was
used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were
grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture
when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in
America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send
us on bus tours!
Sex Related Medical Facts
1. It takes 116 muscles to climax, but only 17 to smile.2. Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world... it's
an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast.
3. The greater the orgasm, the deeper the sleep. Multiple
orgasms (20 or more per hour) can induce a coma and
near-fusion with the mattress.
4. Eat and drink sensibly. The combination of alcohol and
sex, especially after long abstinence, can cause spontaneous
fizzle.
5. Improved breath control increases oxygen supply
throughout entire body, prevents asphyxiation during mighty
kisses, trims and tones pelvis, promotes a stronger upper
body enabling you to hold on tight and keep partner from
damaging furniture during moments of ecstasy.
6. Better coordination prevents confusion during intricate
manipula-
tions, permitting you to talk and perform at the same time.
7. A single ejaculation, especially from a man,
contains enough sperm cells to fertilize every woman in the
United States Marine Corps.
8. Oral sex is a great way to firm the lower face.
9. After 16 steady hours of sex, it is wise to check
your insurance policy.
10. "Where am I?" should not be considered an abnormal
response to immense orgasm.
11. Men who experience difficulty with insertion should see
a guidance
counselor.
12. Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack.
13. It's perfectly okay to have sex on an empty stomach,
especially if
it belongs to your partner.
14. You know that you've had too much sex when your
life begins to flash before your eyes.
15. I've had too little sex when my partner begins to flash
before my
eyes.
16. Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy,
wealthy and in
demand.
17. Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it
stand up
straight. _
18. Thirty percent of our body heat escapes through the head
(wear a
hat during sex).
19. Sex on an inclined surface(an ant hill, for example)
builds endurance.
20. The length of an orgasm is usually anywhere from three
to eleven
seconds or four to seven feet.
21. Sexual survival depends on knowing the difference
between a
birthmark and a rash.
22. To prevent bedsores, oil the sheets.
23. Maintenance tip for massages: change the oil every
10,000 strokes.
A game of baseball
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."
