Popular jokes (32536 to 32550)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Ski season...
Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you prepared:16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk- in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.
11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.
4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!
Are bulimics all bile
Are bulimics all bile lingual?Lesbians
What do you call a lesbian with a strong, long tongue?answer: talented & available
Widow For One Year
One day three women were at a beauty parlor talking about their husbands. The first woman says, ''Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn't there!''''I know!'' the next woman says, ''Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house but when I called he wasn't there.''
The third woman says, ''I always know where my husband is.''
''Impossible!'' both women say, ''He has you completely fooled!''
''Oh no,'' says the woman. ''I'm a widow.''
How do men sort their laundry?...
How do men sort their laundry? "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable."Monetary policy madness: Fed C
Monetary policy madness: Fed Chair Ben Bernanke, aka the ‘Bernanker-Chief', is blowing his wad!How to get rich...
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,
"Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.
Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Help doc....
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."
School Daze
It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
Help wanted...
A local business was looking for office help, so they put a sign in their window saying "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but he told the dog, "The sign also says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, producing a sample spreadsheet and database and presenting them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded. He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities, however I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow."
Kittens....
A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.
"How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it was printed on the bottom."
Biblical Bumper Stickers
Adam: "You are what you eat."Eve: "At least he doesn't compare me to his mother."
Abraham: "I'm goin' not knowin'."
Noah: "Honk if you believe in treading water."
Moses: "From a basket case to the promise land."
Elizah: "When Jezebel ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."
Balaam: "My second donkey talks!"
Prodigal Son: "All roads lead to home."
At the Sinai desert: "Winding road next 40 years"
At the Red Sea: "Caution! Subject to sudden flooding"
Two golfers met at the club. "...
Two golfers met at the club. "I heard about your terrible tragedy last week," said one."Yes," said the other sadly, sipping his drink. "I was playing a two-some with Winthrop, and he dropped dead on the ninth hole."
"I understand you carried him all the way back to the clubhouse too," the first man said sympathetically. "That must have been very difficult, considering Winthrop weighed over two hundred and fifty pounds."
"The carrying wasn't that hard. It was putting him down at every stroke, then picking him up again that wore me out."
