Popular jokes (32521 to 32535)

You Might Be A Redneck If 08

You might be a redneck if...
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
Birds are attracted to your beard.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

“My skiing skills are...

“My skiing skills are really going downhill.”

Whenever I'm feeling dep...

Whenever I'm feeling depressed, I go watch German acrobats. That turns my frau upside down.

Accusing me of silencing the w

Accusing me of silencing the wolves would be a bays less accusation.

A Sack Full of Chickens

Two rednecks walk down a dirt path. One man has a big sack over his shoulder. The other man asks what's in the sack.
The first man says, "I got me some chickens for dinner tonight."
The other man asks how many chickens are in the sack.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the first redneck, "If you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack, I'll give them both to you."

The following is an actual que

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam paper:
"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat), or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant thereof.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Krissy Jones during my Freshman year that "it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.
This student got the only A.

Ode to beer

'You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.' - Frank Zappa.

'Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.' - Ernest Hemingway.

'Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.' - Winston Churchill.

'He was a wise man who invented beer.' - Plato.

'Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.' - Catherine Zondonella.

'A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.' - W. C. Fields.

'Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.' - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.

'Madam, if you were my wife I would drink it.' - Churchill's reply.

'Sir, you're drunk!' - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.

'Yes madam, and you're ugly. But in the morning I will be sober.' - Churchill's reply.

'If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.' - David Daye.

'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.' - Henny Youngman.

'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.' - Benjamin Franklin.

'If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.' - Jack Handy.

'Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.' - Dave Barry.

'The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.' - Humphrey Bogart.

'Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.' - David Moulton.

'People who drink light beer don't like the taste of beer, they just like to pee a lot.' - Capital Brewery, Middleton, Wisconsin.

'Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.' - Kaiser Wilhelm.

'I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.' - Homer Simpson.

'Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.' - Unknown

'I drink to make other people interesting.' - George Jean Nathan.

'They who drink beer will think beer.' - Washington Irving.

'An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.' - Ernest Hemingway in For Whom the Bell Tolls.

'You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.' - Dean Martin.

'All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.' - Homer Simpson.

Doctor, doctor, my son's just ...

Doctor, doctor, my son's just swallowed some gunpowder! Well, ma'am, please don't point him at me.

Great truths about life that adults have learned...

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.

2. There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

3. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.

5. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

6. Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

7. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

8. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

9. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

10. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

At last; a cause that I can really support!

A lonely frog, desperate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.

His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”

The frog is thrilled and says, “This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?”……………”No” says the psychic, “in a Biology class.”

funny-jokes

A fun quiz...

No cheating! Don't jump to the answer, just scroll down and answer each question one at a time...

Take this test mentally, don't write down your answers, and don't shout them out.

1. Pick a number from 2 to 9. It can be 2 or it can be 9, or any number in between.

2. Take that number that you've chosen, and multiply it by 9.

3. That should give you a two digit number. Take those two digits and add them together.

4. Take the resulting number and subtract 5 from it.

5. Take that number and correspond it to the alphabet, numbering the letters. A=1, B=2, C=3, and so on.

6. Take your letter, and think of a country that begins with that letter.

7. Take the last letter in the name of that country, and think of an animal.

8. Now, take the last letter in the name of that animal, and think of a color.

9. But always remember, that there are no orange kangaroos in Denmark!!

Two Antartians were walking do...

Two Antartians were walking down the street. One stops and says, "Oh my god!!! A dead bird." The other looks up and says, "Were, were?"

Investment Opportunity

I thought you might want to consider getting on board early for this investment opportunity.

An Engineer friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

He is doing very well.

He says prophets are going through the roof.

In a murder trial, the defense

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you werent sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess its possible he could be out there practicing lawsomewhere.

Heard On A Public Bus

Heard on a public transportation vehicle in Orlando.
"When you exit the bus, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step."
"If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."