Popular jokes (32581 to 32595)

Paddling in circles is an r...

Paddling in circles is an either oar proposition.

Lawyers appeal

Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client’s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."

Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"

Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."

Signs You Bought a Lousy Tree

8. Two feet tall, forty feet wide

7. Salesman's opening line: "You're not a cop, are you?"

6. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers

5. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride.

4. Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it.

3. It's very small and says "air freshener" on it.

2. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.

1. Constantly bragging about its "trunk size"

Ponderings Collection 19

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

A tour bus driver drives with ...

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."

Did you hear about the stupid ...

Did you hear about the stupid tap dancer?
He fell in the sink!

Overgrown boy

When will he move?

A two month pregnant woman asks her doctor, "When will my baby move?"

The doctor answers, "With any luck, right after he finishes college."

Answering Machine Message 152

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Dear Pun Gents...

Dear Pun Gents, I need a headline for an article I'm writing for our church newsletter—about new members who will be inducted into the church upon completion of membership classes. ~Tuan, Honolulu, HI

Lightbulb Joke Collection 11

Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: Who can tell. Field service engineers are always in the dark.
Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)
Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software problem.
Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: None: "We'll fix it in software."
Q: How long will it take?
A: That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them.

Billy and Tommy were watching ...

Billy and Tommy were watching a boat pull a man on skis across the lake.
“What makes that boat go so fast?” asked little Billy.
It’s because that man on the string is chasing it,” said Tommy.

One cannibal to another: "Don'...

One cannibal to another: "Don't get me wrong, I like kids. I just don't think I could eat a whole one."

Dickens and the Mart

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.

The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”

Answering Machine Message 195

Hello, please send me email instead. I always never playback these stupid answering machine messages. Besides, I am probably online right now.