Popular jokes (32596 to 32610)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Actual instruction lables found on products...
ON A HAIR DRYER:Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
ON A KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A STRING OF CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson...
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:” Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."
Scary Collection 54
A witch joke
Why should men beware of beautiful witches?
They'll sweep them off their feet!
A witch joke
What sound does a witch make when she cries?
"Brew-hoo, Brew-hoo"!
A witch joke
Why do some witches eat raw meat?
Because they don't know how to cook!
A witch joke
Is it true that a witch won't hurt you if you run away from her?
It all depends on how fast you run!
A witch joke
What do you call a witch who murders her mum and dad?
An orphan!
A witch joke
Where is the witches temple?
On each side of her head!
A witch joke
How does a witch make scrambled eggs?
She holds the pan and gets two friends to make the stove shake with fright!
The annulment...
Ole and Lena had married under none too happy circumstances, and their married life had not been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had been lived together for thirty five years, Ole went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, the whole of Middleton gasped with amazement.
A date for the hearing was set, however, and when the time came the judge demanded to know the grounds on which Ole based his demand for an annulment.
"It's like this, your Honor," answered Ole, "I've just learned that Lena's father never had a license to carry a gun."
Business One-liners 86
Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else.
Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest.
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Never put all your eggs in your pocket.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a law against it by that time.
Never say "oops" after you have submitted a job.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never tell them what you wouldn't do.
Funny jokes-Official endorsement
Out of the blue, after a month the same letter was returned with remarks: “Address not found.”
He gathered the same group the same evening and proudly displayed the envelope: “Look, this is official now with government endorsement.”
Why should politicians be buri...
Why should politicians be buried 100 feet underground? Because deep down they're really good people.Short political jokes-Opposite of Pro
If con is the opposite of pro then what is the opposite of progress.An old maid wanted to travel b...
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common".
"How was your blind date?" a c...
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate."Terrible!" answered the roommate. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car! What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."
Business One-liners 104
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
You can observe a lot just by watching.
You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickles in the machine.
You can't fall off the floor.
You can't get here from there.
You can't guard against the arbitrary.
You can't outtalk a man who knows what he's talking about.
You can't push a rope.
You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it.
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash when the garbage truck is two doors away.
Automotive Horror
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Not older...just better....
For his wife's birthday, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:
"You are not getting older, You are getting better."
When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
