Popular jokes (32836 to 32850)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Cold outside!
Naomi nudged him again and insisted, "Please close the window. It's cold outside."
Two boy scouts went on a natur...
Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts.Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.
When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.
The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.
In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."
As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.
"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"
"What's the matter?" his father asked.
"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"
The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."
The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"
The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."
Sales Help
"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl. "But I don't know her size."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.
"Why yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.
"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs some lingerie."
Texas Bank Robber
A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.
The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, ‘Well, did anyone else see my face?’
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, one "old cowboy " tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, ‘My wife got a pretty good look at you.’
Work or play...
A man wondered if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin. The reason is because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest. He asks for the priest's opinion.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on the Sabbath."
The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex?" So, he decides to ask a minister.
The minister gives the same reply as the priest had given him. Sex is work, and therefore not permitted on the Sabbath.
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
The man asks, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others are convinced that sex is work?"
The Rabbi replies, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."
Wife: I'm gonna make you reall...
Wife: I'm gonna make you really sorry! I'm going to leave you! Husband: Make up your mind! Which one is it gonna be?It was the firs day of school,...
It was the firs day of school, and the first grade teacher decided to see how much her students knew about math.“Steven, can you tell me what is 3 and 2?” Steven said, “That’s when you should watch very, very carefully before you swing at the next pitch.”
Gymnasts do not like Paris nei...
Gymnasts do not like Paris neighbourhoods. Especially when it's a wrong dismount.1974 vs 2004
A m...
1974 vs 2004
A measure of aging over 30 years
1974: Long hair
2004: Longing for hair
1974: KEG
2004: EKG
1974: Acid rock
2004: Acid reflux
1974: Moving to California because it's cool
2004: Moving to California because it's warm
1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1974: Seeds and stems
2004: Roughage
1974: Hoping for a BMW
2004: Hoping for a BM
1974: Going to a new, hip joint
2004: Receiving a new hip joint
1974: Rolling Stones
2004: Kidney Stones
1974: Being called into the principal's office
2004: Calling the principal's office
1974: Screw the system
2004: Upgrade the system
1974: Disco
2004: Costco
1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1974: Passing the drivers' test
2004: Passing the vision test
1974: Whatever
2004: Depends
The fellow who...
The fellow who removed all his body hair was considered a nair do well. In fact he manscaped from prison. When he was recaptured, he received ten wax to the back. What a follicle from grace.I tuned out my barber. He tend...
I tuned out my barber. He tends to lather on.Dog gone!
Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with my dog Rollo while you are waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands and sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."
The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through and over the rail of the balcony. Just then, Paul's date walked out.
"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" she gushed.
Paul panicked. "To tell the truth," he said, "he seemed a little depressed to me."
