Popular jokes (33031 to 33045)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
How did Shakespeare earn an in
How did Shakespeare earn an income? A: Barder.A junior partner in a law firm...
A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: "Justice prevailed."
The senior partner replied in haste, "Appeal immediately."
remember one morning at...
remember one morning at quarters, the Division Officer said, "All right, you assholes, fall out!"As the rest of the division wandered away, I remained at attention.
The Division Officer walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me. Then he raised a single eyebrow.
I just smiled and said, "Sure were a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"
Cow on the track!
A passenger train is creeping along, painfully slowly. Finally, it creaks to a complete halt.
A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.
"What's going on?" she yells out the window.
"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again.
The woman sees the same conductor walking by again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"
Have You Ever Been Guilty Of L
Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age AndThinking,"surely I Can't Look That Old." Well... You'll Love This One.
My Name Is Alice Smith And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For MyFirst Appointment With A New Dentist. I Noticed His Dds Diploma, Which BoreHis Full Name.
Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The SameName Had Been In My High School Class Some 40-odd Years Ago. Could He Be TheSame Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then? Upon Seeing Him,However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought.
This Balding, Gray-haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way TooOld To have Been My Classmate. After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If HeHad Attended Morgan Park High School
"yes. Yes, I Did. I'm A Mustang," He Gleamed With Pride.
"when Did You Graduate?" I Asked.
He Answered, "in 1959. Why Do You Ask?"
"you Were In My Class!", I Exclaimed.
He Looked At Me Closely. Then, That Ugly, Old, Bald Wrinkled, Fat,Gray, Decrepit Son-of-a-bitch Asked, "what Did You Teach?"
It was Jim's birthday, and he ...
It was Jim's birthday, and he was considered to be an "old man" by his friends standards. So, to liven him up a bit, Jim's friends decided to give him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker.The call girl, as she preferred to be called, went to his house and knocked on the door. When Jim answered, she said, "Hi I'm your birthday present!"
Startled, he asked, "What am I supposed to do with you?"
"I'm yours for super sex," she answers.
Jim replied, "Well, I'm 75 years old, so I'll have the soup."
I think my wife is leading a d...
I think my wife is leading a double life -- hers and mine.What Will You Do For Golf?
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:
First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday."
For a couple years I 've been ...
For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.Happy New Year!
Medical Research
roNG>Would you like to have the Joke of the Day on your site? One line of HTML will put an automatically updated Joke of the Day wherever you like. For more information, click hereA man and a woman meet ...
A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.
The woman suddenly turns her head and says, "quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.
Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.
Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and meet you."
"Okay," the man replies, "I'll go get ready."
He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.
"Who the heck are you?" the man asks.
"I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."
The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!"
The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.
"Those little bastards!"
Knock Knock Collection 085
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Henrietta!
Henrietta who?
Henrietta toadstool but thought it was a mushroom!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hepburn!
Hepburn who?
Hepburn and indigestion!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Herman!
Herman who?
Herman is handsome!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hiawatha!
Hiawatha who?
Hiawatha very bad today!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hiram!
Hiram who?
Hiram fine, how are you!
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"You eat three times a day. Why can't you pray five times?"
Mini Meanie
The golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil leprechaun who exploited the ambitions of the poorer players. He popped up beside one unfortunate man who was participating in a club competition."Look," he said, "if you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a girl or marry, I'll help you win."
"Done," shouted the young golfer. The leprechaun was very pleased with conniving ways, and chuckled merrily.
When the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the locker. "Hey," said the little elf, "I have to have your name for my records. What is it?"
"Father Murphy," grinned the golfer as he adjusted his Roman collar.
