Popular jokes (33016 to 33030)

why Men Are Better Than Toddle...

why Men Are Better Than Toddlers

They CAN be left alone . . . but only for short periods of time.

They don't whine and whine about having to go someplace they don't want to - oh wait a second . . . nevermind.

They almost never wake-up when you make a little noise near them (in fact, you can clang cymbals, ring phones, set off alarms and maybe even drop bombs)

Two words - TRASH DAY

When they fall down, they can usually get up on their own.

It actually is FUN when they get messy . . . with your help.

They CAN dress themselves, you just don't want to take them out that way . . .

They are EASY to put to bed.

Election 2000 In USA

Bush And Laura When the 2000 election was finally certified, President-elect George W. Bush called his wife, Laura, to tell her the good news. Here’s how their conversation went. Dubya: Guess what, honey? I won the election!! Laura: Honestly? Dubya (after long pause): Look, we don’t have to get into that. I won, and that’s good enough for me!

Musicians and Lightbulbs

Q: How many musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: One, two, one, two, three, four!

No paper in here...

An old drunk stumbles into a confessional.

After not hearing anything for a while, the priest knocked on the wall.

The drunk said, "Forget it buddy, there's no paper in here either."

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Yisman

New Hampshire Crazy Law

It is illegal to pick seaweed up off of the beach.

It is considered an offense to check into a hotel under an assumed name.

Any cattle that crosses state roads must be fitted with a device to gather its feces.

You cannot sell the clothes you are wearing to pay off a gambling debt.

You may not run machinery on Sundays.

You may not tap your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.

On Sundays citizens may not relieve themselves while looking up.

White Mountain Nat. Forest

If a person is caught raking the beaches, picking up litter, hauling away trash, building a bench for the park, or many other kind things without a permit, he/she may be fined $150 for ''maintaining the national forest without a permit''.

#joke

The latest reports from the In...

The latest reports from the Internal Revenue service shows that it has streamlined its tax form this year.
It goes like this:
A. How much did you make last year?
B. How much do you have left?
C. Send B.

Great News

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

an elderly lady went to a meet...

an elderly lady went to a meeting of her bridge club and during the conversations, told her colleagues that she had found a lump in her left breast two days before.

"But," she said, "I am delighted that I learned it was my belt buckle!"

What's the international

What's the international language of single people?

Two small county judges both g...

Two small county judges both got arrested for speeding on the same day. Rather than call the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge, each agreed to hear the other's case.

The first judge took the bench while the second stood at the defendant's table, and admitted his guilt. The sentencing judge immediately suspended both the fine and costs.

They switched places. The second judge admitted that he was speeding, too. Thereupon the first judge immediately fined him $250 and ordered him to pay court costs.

The second judge was furious. "I suspended your fine and costs, but you threw the book at me!", he fumed. The first judge looked at him and replied, "This is the second such case we've had in here today. Someone has to get tough about all this speeding!"

What's the differe...

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a Grocery Bag?
One is thin , white, plastic and relatively harmful to kids... and the other one carries your apples home from the store.

Translations For Men

These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."
"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated:* "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car
I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

Gentlemen don't swear. T...

Gentlemen don't swear. Those who do should join the sir cuss.

“When asked what it t...

“When asked what it takes to be a great cook the chef said that it boils down to beating the other chefs to the cutting edge recipes.”

Question And Answer

Q: How do you scare a man?
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
Q: Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women?
A: Women working at 900 numbers.
Q: Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
A: In the pages of a romance novel.
Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him.
Q: Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men?
A: No phone numbers.
Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.