Popular jokes (33001 to 33015)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
My money
"If it were not for my money, this furniture would not be here."
An engineer dies and rep...
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St Peter checks his dossier and says "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replies "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
An amazing dog...
There was this ad posted on the office window of an accounting firm :
"HELP wanted. Must be able to type 70 words per minute. Computer literacy is required. Must be bilingual. EQUAL EMPLOYER."
So there was this dog ambling outside the office. It noticed the ad and shuffled into the office to apply for the position. The employer took one look at the dog, shook his head and said "But I can't hire a dog."
The dog pointed at the words EQUAL EMPLOYER on the ad. So the employer said, "OK, can you first type this document?" and gave the dog a letter. The dog typed everything correctly and neatly without a mistake at a rate of 70 words per minute.
Flustered, the employer then said, "Then, can you put these figures into spreadsheet and make a program to feed it into the mainframe, process it in the General Ledger Module and give me the Balance Sheets and Profit and Loss Statement?" and gave the dog some documents. The dog completed the spreadsheet, the program, the Balance Sheet and the P/L statement promptly & correctly.
The employer shook his head, pointed at the ad and said, "But are you bilingual?"
The dog said "Meow!"
Musicians and Lightbulbs
Q: How many musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, two, one, two, three, four!
An eager salesman was trying t
An eager salesman was trying to have a country storekeeper carry his product, and finally tried to bribe the fellow with a bottle of champagne."Oh, my conscience wouldn't let me take such a gift," the business owner protested.
"What if I sell it to you for a dime?" asked the salesman.
"In that case," replied the man, "I'll take two."
When a fellow called a motel a...
When a fellow called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room, the clerk told him that the rates depended on room size and number of people.Do you take children? the man asked.
No, sir, replied the clerk. Only cash and credit cards.
Three visitors to London climb...
Three visitors to London climb up the tower that houses Big Ben and decide to have a contest. They're going to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground.The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears his watch crash. The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when he hears his watch shatter.
The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs, goes to a candy store, buys a snack, walks back to Big Ben and catches his watch. "How did you do that?" asks one of his friends.
"My watch is 30 minutes slow."
Two small county judges both g...
Two small county judges both got arrested for speeding on the same day. Rather than call the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge, each agreed to hear the other's case.The first judge took the bench while the second stood at the defendant's table, and admitted his guilt. The sentencing judge immediately suspended both the fine and costs.
They switched places. The second judge admitted that he was speeding, too. Thereupon the first judge immediately fined him $250 and ordered him to pay court costs.
The second judge was furious. "I suspended your fine and costs, but you threw the book at me!", he fumed. The first judge looked at him and replied, "This is the second such case we've had in here today. Someone has to get tough about all this speeding!"
Hold it in
Why do men get married?So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
First Impressions
On my way up the sidewalk to a girl's house, I was taking out for the first time, I felt my stomach cramping.I knew that it was imminent that I would have to take a dump very soon. I rang the doorbell, said hello, went through the introductions with her parents and so-forth. I resisted as long as I could, but knew I had to go before leaving with their daughter on the date.
I asked to use the restroom, and was directed down the hall. I went in and took a dump. No problem right? Well, when I flushed – you guessed it – the toilet began overflowing faster than I could find a solution.
With water and lots of crap flowing out of the toilet, all over the bathroom floor, and heading towards the door, I ran from the bathroom. I sped to the living room where Dad, Mom, and my date were waiting.
I was in obvious panic yelling “the toilet's overflowing, what do I do?” At that point the father rushed to the bathroom, with Mom, date, and me following. Her Dad ran into the bathroom, and slipped of his feet onto the floor covered with water and quite a bit of my crap.
When he got up, he had a log stuck to his back. Believe it or not, I still took their daughter out that night (without sticking around to help clean) and we ended up dating for six years.
Lawyers give irrelevant information
Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?"
The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."
Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer."
The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?"
The first says, "That’s easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."
You said UNLIMITED time!
You have been online...You have been online for 45 minutes. Do you want to stay online? Please respond within 10 min. or you will be logged off.
You have been online for 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you, but there ARE other people in the world who would like to sign on. Let's show some sorry consideration for our fellow members and sign off, whaddya say?
You DO realize that you've been online for 184 minutes, right? when was the last time you went outside?
OK. This is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you're starting to piss us off! If you sign off now, we'll bring back your Buddy List OK? yep finally
You have been online for 360 minutes now!! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish up NOW and go read a good book?
You have been online for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members' names ?
You have been online for 513 minutes. Your husband has left you and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain online?
You have been online 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming personally to your house to yank the phone cord....
You have been online 852 minutes, do you KNOW how many HOURS that is?"
You have been online for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines? Do you realize that AOL receives 9.21 lawsuits per day due to busy phone lines? Please sign-off to reduce these averages, or go to keyword: CLASS ACTION to join a lawsuit.
You have been online for 967 minutes. When AOL went unlimited they didn't think you would take it literally. Now get the H*ll off before we go broke!
