Popular jokes (3646 to 3660)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
That's Not Fare
Taxi driver: "That will be $3.50, please."
Passenger: "Oh dear, I'm afraid I'm a little short. Could you back up a little bit and make it $2.50, please?"
Couple at the cinema
One day, a man was dragged to the cinema by his wife who wanted to watch a romantic comedy.
Half an hour into the film, the man felt a nudge in his elbow. "What an outrage," his wife murmured to him.
"The person sitting in front of us is sleeping!" the woman said, clearly offended.
Her husband was fairly annoyed.
He replied: "You woke me up to tell me that?"
The recital
A soldier stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music books.
Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much !" The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."
One man said to the other...
One man said to the other, "You know, there are really only three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't. Hospital Rules
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student aide, Sam found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need Sam's help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let Sam wheel him to the elevator. On the way down Sam asked him if his wife was meeting him. I don't know, he said. She is still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.
Which Way?
Geography teacher asked if I could name a country with no 'R' in it.
I said, "No way!"
Scripture?
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the burglar red-handed, and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38 (meaning, repent and be baptized...)!"
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman then calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the burglar, he asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "I thought she said she had an axe and two 38's!"
Small child picked
'I was not a particularly small child. I was the one who always got picked to play Bethlehem in the school nativity.'
Jo Brand (July 23 1957-)
Picture: Craig Sugden
April Fool's Day Prank - Swap hand sanitzer...
Swap hand sanitzer with personal lubricant. I will seek and find You...
I will seek and find You . . I shall take you to bed and have my way with you. I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'mfinished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu
Now, get your mind out of the gutter and Go get your flu shot!
Married Four Times
The local news station was interviewing an 80 year old lady, because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80 and then about her new husband's occupation!
“He's a funeral director,” she answered.
“Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, and a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.
Astonished, the interviewer looked at her and asked, “Why did you marry four men with such diverse careers?” She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go.”
