Popular jokes (3736 to 3750)

A bar owner locked up his plac...

A bar owner locked up his place at 2 AM and went home to sleep. He had been in bed only a few minutes when the phone rang. “What time do you open up in the morning?” he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire.
The owner was so furious, he slammed down the receiver and went back to bed. A few minutes later there was another call and he heard the same voice ask the same question. “Listen, the owner shouted, “there’s no sense in asking me what time I open because I wouldn’t let a person in your condition in—“
“I don’t want to get in,” the caller interjected. “I want to get out.”

Three drunks hailed a taxi...

Three drunks hailed a taxi. The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said we are here. The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him. The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn't move an inch. So what was that for, he asked. Control your speed next time, you almost killed us.

Hear about the dentist and his

Hear about the dentist and his evil twin?

They were molar opposites!

Santa Claus needed a vacation...

Santa Claus needed a vacation. He decided to go to Texas because it was warm and he had heard that the people were friendly.
As soon as he arrived in town, people began to point and say, "Look! The big red one! Isn't he someone famous?"
Santa thought, "Gee, I'll never get any rest if people star asking to sit on my lap and try to tell me things they want."
So he decided to disguise himself. He bought a cowboy outfit complete with cowboy boots and cowboy hat. "No one will know me now, I look just like everyone else!" he thought happily.
As soon as Santa started walking down the street people began to point and say, "Look! It's that famous Christmas personality!" Santa rushed around a corner to hide.
"It's my beard!" he thought. "They recognize me because of my long white beard!" So Santa went to a barbershop and had his beard shaved off. "I really look like everybody else now!" Santa thought. So he walked down the street with a big smile on his face.
Suddenly a man shouted, "It's him! It's him! Look everybody!"
Santa couldn't believe it. He was sure that no one would recognize him. So Santa walked up to the man and said, "How did you recognize me?"
The man looked at Santa and said, "You? I don't know you, but isn't that four-legged guy with the big red nose behind you Rudolph?"

Gourmet Reporter

A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest, in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe. He falls into a trap, goes unconscious and wakes up tied to a stake with a fire burning slowly underneath him.

He cries out for help, and is answered by what is obviously one of the tribesmen, who informs him that he is going to be served as dinner to the leader of the tribe.

"But you don't understand!" he cries, "You can't do this to me! I'm an editor for the New Yorker magazine!"

"Ah," replies the tribesman, "Well soon you will be editor-in-chief!"

Free heaven

An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.

'It's free,' St. Peter replied, 'this is Heaven.' Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located on. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, 'What are the green fees?'

St. Peter replied, 'This is heaven, you play for free.' Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the World laid out. 'How much to eat?' asked the old man.

'Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!' St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?' the old man asked timidly. St. Peter lectured, 'That's the best part - you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.'

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, 'This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins and exercise, I could have been here ten years ago!'

Wish Comes True

Carlos told his wife he wanted a guitar to play while sitting in the Jacuzzi. “The next day she bought him an electric guitar.”

Laura Kightlinger: Christmas Sadness

My grandmother, she passed away at Christmas time. So now, I have this built in sadness, you know, every holiday. Cause Im plagued with the thought of, you know, what she would have given me. What didnt I get to open this year?

Monday Motivation

Believe that you can and you're halfway there.

A Guy was staying in a fancy h...

A Guy was staying in a fancy hotel and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him quite bluntly to get out. When asked for the reason, the manager said, "Because you peed in the pool."
"Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."
"True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."

50-50 partners

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half- owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

A young guy goes to the Job Ce...

A young guy goes to the Job Center in Charleston, West Virginia, and sees a flyer advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he wants to learn more. "Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up a file and says, "The job entails getting ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off any hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $55 thousand, but you're going to have to go to Charlotte, North Carolina. That's about 250 miles from here."
"Oh, is that where the job is?" the young man asks.
"No, sir. That's where the end of the line is right now."

Son of a lawyer

While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two 5-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Adam," replied the second.

"My daddy is a doctor. What does YOUR daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.

Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Joshua.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.

Artist gets noticed

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor...."

Q: How do you get a lawyer out...

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.