Popular jokes (3781 to 3795)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
A gang of pirates find themselves shipwrecked on the beach
Luckily there's a harbor near by and the captain heads in to barter for goods. Naturally the captain seeks out the first merchant who is selling booze and requests his finest bottle of rum.
Upon returning the crew is aghast. "All you came back with is a lousy bottle of rum"? Aye boys the merchant says to me this here's a magic bottle of rum. No matter how much yee drink it never goes dry. "You fool!!! He hoodwinked you. There's no such as a magic bottle of rum"! Ah well, no matter, alls I traded him was a ship that'll never sink.
Hamburger
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."
Good jokes-Film directors
Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done, everyone says that his last light bulb was much better.
I love the expression - A Number Of ...
I love the expression
"A Number Of ..."
Because it doesn't mean anything.
A number of Victoria Secret models have expressed interest in sleeping with me.
That number is zero.
2 Government Mechanical Engineers...
Bill and Bob, two Government mechanical engineers, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole', said Bob, 'But we don't have a ladder.'
The woman said, 'Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.'
She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches' and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed.
'Ain't that just like a 'Miss-know-it-all' woman?' he said.
'We need the height and she gave us the length!'
Bob and Ray are still working for the Government.
A married couple went to the h...
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father of the baby. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
Little Johnny and the math teacher...
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"
Staircase
“The construction worker reported the work on the top floor of the house was proceeding fine until they got to the staircase. Then it was a downward spiral.”
A drunk driver is stopped for...
A drunk driver is stopped for heading the wrong way on a one-way street. The police officer asked the driver, "Didn't you see the arrows?"
The drunk responds, "Arrows? I couldn't even see the Indians."
Silence
After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.
Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was.
"Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."
He looked confused,
"What are you talking about?"
"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged.
"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."
Mermaids are excelle...
“Mermaids are excellent journeyers because they can avoid pier pressure, make a splash, ride the waves, and seas the day.”
More Halloween 2018 jokes
What plants like Halloween the most?
Bam-BOO!
What do birds say on Halloween?
Twick or tweet
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand-witch!
Why didn’t the skeleton like the Halloween candy?
He didn’t have the stomach for it!
What’s worse than being a five-ton witch on Halloween?
Being her broom!
Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators?
It raises their spirits.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?
Lots of blood tests!
Why are vampires so easy to fool?
Because they’re suckers.
What did the ghost say when the skeleton lied to him?
I can see right through you.
On his way out of church after...
On his way out of church after mass, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. "Would it be right," he asked, "for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?" "Absolutely not!" replied the pastor, disappointed that Frank would even ask such a question.
"In that case," said the young man, "I wonder if you'd consider returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me lastJuly."
