Popular jokes (3946 to 3960)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Combat for Dummies
Advice and instructions taken from actual military sources.
'When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.' --U.S. Marine Corps
'Aim towards the enemy.' --Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' --Infantry Journal
'A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.' --Army's magazine of prevention maintenance
'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.' --U.S. Air Force manual
'Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo.' --Infantry Journal
'Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.' --USAF Ammo Troop
'Tracers work both ways.' --U.S. Army Ordnance
'Five-second fuses only last three seconds.' --Infantry Journal
'If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush.' --Infantry Journal
'No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.' --Unknown
'Any ship can be a minesweeper....once.' --Anon
'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.' --USAF Ammo Troop
'Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do.' --Unknown Marine Recruit
'Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.' --Infantry Journal
'Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.' --David Hackworth
Myq Kaplan: Long Distance Relationship
The best part about dating someone who is overweight is, if its long distance, the distance is slightly less long. And gravity pulls you even closer. So, science really working for you. 4 Friends reunite 30 years after school
One friend goes to the restroom while the other three start discussing the success of their sons.Friend 1 says his son studied economics, became a banker, and is so wealthy he gave his best friend a Ferrari.
Friend 2 says his son became a pilot, started his own airline, and is so wealthy he gave his best friend a jet.
Friend 3 says his son became an engineer, founded his own development company, and is so wealthy he built his best friend a castle.
Friend 4 returns from the restroom and asks what they're talking about.
They tell him they are discussing the success of their sons and ask about his son.
He says his son is gay and works as a stripper at a gay bar.
The other three express their disappointment, assuming he must be unhappy with his son's lack of success.
"Oh no!" the father replies, "He's doing quite well. Last week, for his birthday, he received a Ferrari, a jet, and a castle from three of his boyfriends..."
Best Classroom April Fools Prank EVER
Best Classroom April Fools Prank EVER What do you do?
"What do you do?" a young man asked the beautiful girl he was dancing with. "I'm a nurse."
"I wish I could be ill and let you nurse me," he whispered in her ear.
"That would be miraculous. I work on the maternity ward."
After John had purchased movie...
After John had purchased movie tickets for himself and his girlfriend, she went inside to find seats while he got some popcorn. By the time he was served, the previews were being shown and the theater was dark. John stumbled his way through the dark, sat down and gave his girlfriend a kiss.Then he heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."
Conway Twitty, Is That Really You?
A young pastor moved to town and decided he would go around and introduce himself to the new congregation. He rang the first door bell and a lady came to the door. She stared at him as he introduced himself.
She said, “I can't believe how much you look like Conway Twitty, the country music singer.”
He replied, “Yes, ma’am, I hear that a lot.”
He went to the next house and the next, and every lady that came to the door said the same thing—that he looked like Conway Twitty.
At the last house, a shapely young lady came to the door with a towel around her. He started to introduce himself, but she loosened her towel, threw her arms in the air, and screamed, “Conway Twitty!”
The pastor stood there, stunned. Then he said, “Hello, darling!”
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris...
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
When the Grim Reaper...
“When the Grim Reaper sweeps through, we have a brush with death.”
Juston McKinney: Stay Off My Wall
My wife is actually a little upset with me right now because I wont approve her as a friend on my Facebook. Im like, You got every wall in the house. Can I have one wall without you popping up on and ruining it? Stay off my wall. I recently had a visitor from...
I recently had a visitor from the state of Texas. For three days all I heard from him was "In Texas we have the best this, the largest that, the fastest that," etc. It eventually became very annoying.Being from Niagra Falls, I thought I could outdo him by showing him the "Mighty Niagara", knowing there was nothing in Texas that could compare to this "Wonder of Water and Power".
While standing at the brink watching millions of gallons of water rushing over, I noticed the look of awe in his eyes. It was then I asked him: "Do you have anything like this in Texas?"
He waited a moment before he answered: "No, but we have a plumber that could fix it."
You've all heard of the Air F...
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51"?Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane ... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
