Popular jokes (4096 to 4110)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Body building Program
My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning.
It’s a girl and weighs 7 lbs 12 oz.
When can we see the baby?
With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. May we see the new baby? one of them asked.
Not yet, said the mother. I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.
Another half hour passed before another relative asked, May we see the new baby now?
No, not yet, said the mother.
A while later and again the guests asked, May we see the baby now?
No, not yet, replied the mother.
Growing impatient, they asked, Well, when can we see the baby?
When it cries! she told them.
"When it cries? they gasped. Why do we have to wait until it cries?
Because, I forgot where I put it.
A fellow nurse at my hospital ...
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient. "I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
Two private detectives were do...
Two private detectives were doing some research on a scandalous divorce case in LA. At the husband's request they staked out the wife's bedroom, and sure enough, she had another man inside. The detectives remarked to one another that they were going at it as if sex was going out of style. After watching rather furtively for quite a few minutes, one detective finally said, "As long as we’re here on the case, may be we should go in after him?"
To this the other replied, "Great idea! Who first?"
Terrible news
This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. His lawyer says: "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?"
"Give me the bad news first," he says.
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars," his lawyer informs him.
"That's the bad news?" asks the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
A man walks into a bar and he'...
A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed. The bartender gives him a drinkand asks what the problem is. All he says is, "all lawyers are a*******."
A man sitting in the corner shouts, "I take offense to that!"
The pissed-off guy asks him, "why? Are you a lawyer?"
He replies, "no, Iam
A hippie sits down at a bar...
So a hippie sits down at a bar and tries to order a beer on a tab, but the bartender wants money up front which the hippie doesn't have. So the guy next to him offers to buy him a beer. They start talking and drinking and drinking and talking. After a while the guy says to the hippie, "come with me to the bathroom and I'll give you a bl*w job".
Suddenly the hippie jumps off his stool, pushes the guy down, and starts kicking the guy repeatedly.
A couple of patrons pull the hippie back. They ask him what the guy said to piss him off so much.
"Something about a job. "
The race
Two natural gas company service personnel, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of an alley and worked their way to the other end.
At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. When they finished, the senior supervisor, proud of his physical condition, challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race back to their truck.
As they approached the truck, they realized that the woman from the last house they checked was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run, too!"
Dane Cook: In the Year 3000
In the year 3000, everything will be instant... but the DMV will still take, like, nine f**king seconds. The Young Executive & The Blonde CEO
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the Blonde CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
'Listen,' said the CEO, 'this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?'
'Certainly,' said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
'Excellent, excellent!' said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. 'I just need one copy...'
Did You Know that in 2007 Mel Brooks
Started Nonprofit Foundation To Save Word 'Schmuck'
November 2007
NEW YORK—Saying he could no longer stand idly by while a vital part of American culture is lost forever, activist and Broadway producer Mel Brooks has founded a private nonprofit organization dedicated to preserving the word 'schmuck.'
An emotional Brooks stopped short of kvetching at a schmuck fundraiser Monday.
'Schmuck is dying,' a sober Brooks said during a 2,000-person rally held in his hometown of Williamsburg, Brooklyn Monday. 'For many of us, saying 'schmuck' is a way of life. Yet when I walk down the street and see people behaving in foolish, pathetic, or otherwise schmucky ways, I hear only the words 'prick' and 'douche bag.' I just shake my head and think, 'I don't want to live in a world like this.''The nonprofit, Schmucks For Schmuck, has compiled schmuck-related data from the past 80 years and conducted its own independent research on contemporary 'schmuck' usage. According to Brooks, the statistics are frightening: Utterances of the word 'schmuck' have declined every year since its peak in 1951, and in 2006, the word was spoken a mere 28 times—17 of these times by Brooks himself. The study indicates that today, when faced with a situation in which one can use a targeted or self-deprecating insult to convey a general feeling of disgust, people are 50 times more likely to use the word 'jerk' than 'schmuck,' 100 times more likely to use 'dick,' and 15,000 times more likely to use 'fucking asshole.'
The nonprofit, Schmucks For Schmuck, has compiled schmuck-related data from the past 80 years and conducted its own independent research on contemporary 'schmuck' usage. According to Brooks, the statistics are frightening: Utterances of the word 'schmuck' have declined every year since its peak in 1951, and in 2006, the word was spoken a mere 28 times—17 of these times by Brooks himself. The study indicates that today, when faced with a situation in which one can use a targeted or self-deprecating insult to convey a general feeling of disgust, people are 50 times more likely to use the word 'jerk' than 'schmuck,' 100 times more likely to use 'dick,' and 15,000 times more likely to use 'fucking asshole.'
Perhaps more startling, only 23 percent of men know what schmuck means, and only 1.2 percent of these men are under the age of 78. If such trends continue, Brooks estimates that by 2011, such lesser-used terms as 'imbecile,' 'dummy,' 'schlub,' and 'contemptible ne'er-do-well' will all surpass schmuck, which is projected to completely disappear by the year 2020 or whenever Brooks dies.
'We must save this word!' Brooks said to thunderous applause as those in attendance began chanting 'Schmuck! Schmuck! Schmuck!' 'How will we be able to charmingly describe someone who acts in an inappropriate manner? Especially given the tragic loss of the word 'schmegeggie' in 2001. So I urge you: Tonight, when you get home, please, call up your family, your friends, your loved ones, and tell them they're a bunch of schmucks.'
'I've never told anyone this before,' Brooks added, choking back tears, 'but my father was a schmuck.'
The foundation has already raised more than $20 million, thanks to donations from supporters such as Jackie Mason, Albert Brooks, the Schtupp Institute, Sen. Russ Feingold (D-WI), and the Henny Youngman Endowment for the Preservation of Schmekel. The money will go toward projects aimed at reintegrating 'schmuck' into the English lexicon, including billboards and flyers plastered with the word 'schmuck,' the upcoming 5K Schlep for Schmuck Awareness, and a new Mel Brooks film.
Visit to the museum
Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.
"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"
"No, Madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."
What Men Call their Women
What's in a name? Apparently, a lot more than you (or I) ever thought there was. Here's what his pet name for you really means….. Darling — Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he's probably done something wrong or wants money.
Dear — Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of Ovaltine to lager.
Sweetheart — If it's said patronizingly, it's not so sweet. But when uttered in earnest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter.
Babe — Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for flares or signs that he's a 70s throwback. He's a bit of a medallion man. Chances are he's got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.
Baby doll — This type of man will probably require you to wear transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of winter. He doesn't want you to grow up, and obviously can't deal with real women.
Princess — Never trust a man who calls you princess. You may think you're being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince Charmings – they may be secretly plotting your over- throw.
Sexy — Fine if you're sexy. If you're not, who cares? He probably thinks you are anyway!!
My girlfriend — He's honest, open and probably glad to have you around. The next thing you know he'll be using your name!
The wife — If you're married then he probably thinks he owns you. If you're not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case, he thinks he owns you.
My other half — You complete the set – he's only half a man without you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity somewhere.
The missus — See The Wife.
My partner — He's right on. Probably likes eating tofu and hugging trees.
My significant other — He's even more right on. Probably thinks it's cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own space.
She who must be obeyed — He thinks you're a nag, but probably doesn't lift a finger around the house.
After a day fishing on Lake Mi...
After a day fishing on Lake Michigan, a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two brown trout in a bucket. He is approached by a Conservation Officer who asks him for his fishing license. The fisherman says to the warden, "I was not fishing and I did not catch these browns, they are my pets. Every day I come down to the water and dump these fish into the water and take them for a walk to the end of the pier and back. When I'm ready to go I whistle and they jump back into the bucket and we go home. The officer not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the trout back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your fish and show me that they will jump out of the water and into the bucket."
The fisherman turns to the officer and says, "What fish?"
