Popular jokes (4156 to 4170)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
To soon to tell?
The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife says to her husband, "you know, You're really a lousy lover!"
The husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"
A new patient was quite upset
A new patient was quite upset when the doctor’s nurse led him to a small, curtained cubicle and told him to undress. "But I only want the doctor to look at an ingrown toenail!" he protested. "Our rule is that everyone must undress," replied the blond nurse. "That’s a stupid rule," grumbled the patient, "making me undress just to look at my toe." "That’s nothing," growled a voice from the next cubicle. "I just came to fix the phones!"I want to open a pho...
“I want to open a photo processing store in a developing country.”
Fumbling With His Keys
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his.
Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.”
Second opinion
A man went to the doctor for his first prostate exam, and asked the doctor how the procedure is performed.The doctor replied while putting on his glove and some K-Y jelly around his forefinger, "I insert this finger into your rectum and look for lumps and what not."
"You're going to stick that finger up my ass?" the patient asked.
"Yes." The doctor said.
"While you're at it, I want you to stick two fingers up my ass."
"Why?" asked the doctor
The patient replied, "I want a second opinion."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Glaci and Curtis
Two guys are driving along in
Two guys are driving along in a car when they see two dogs mating in someone's yard. The driver says, "That is great. Me and my wife do that every night."The passenger replies, "My wife is conservative, she likes the old fashioned way. But if you tell me how you get your wife to do this, I would like to try it."
The driver says, "Give your wife two drinks and she will be all set."
The next morning they're cruising along and the driver asks, "How was it?"
The passenger answer, "It was great, but it took my wife ten drinks."
The driver looks at him funny and says, "Ten drinks?"
The passenger says, "Yes. After two she was more than willing to make love that way, but it took her eight more to get her out on the front lawn!"
Hemingway was fascinated by ag...
Hemingway was fascinated by aging popes. That why he wrote Old Man in the See. Hark, I hear the cannons roar
An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the agent. "I love it" says the actor "When’s the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar". "Brilliant," says the director, "you’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening."
The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar."
He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard. "Who the hell are you?" asks the guard. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar." "If you’re "hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Get up to makeup right now!"
So he runs up to makeup. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I’m "hark I hear the cannons roar."" "If you’re hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Sit down here." And she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you’re about to go on."
He dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you?" asks the stage manager. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar."" "You’re "hark, I hear the cannons roar?" Get out there, the curtain’s about to go up."
He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full.
Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"
A newly-married couple came ho...
A newly-married couple came home from their honeymoon and moved into the upstairs apartment they'd rented from the groom's parents.That night, the father of the groom was awakened from his sleep by his wife. "Tony, listen!" she whispered.
He listened. Upstairs, the bed was creaking in rhythm.
The wife said, "Come on, Tony! Let's make love!" So Tony climbed on top of his wife, and pounded the old bone home.
As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again. "Come on, Tony!" said the wife. "Let's make love again!"
Once again, Tony climbed on top of his wife and screwed her as hard as he could.
As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again. "Come on, Tony!" said the wife. "Let's do it again!"
So Tony grabbed a broom and pounded on the ceiling as he shouted, "Hey, kids, cut it out! You're killing your old man down here!"
A guy sees an advertisement in...
A guy sees an advertisement in a pet-shop window: "Talking Centipede $100."The guy goes in and buys it. He gets home, opens the box and asks the centipede if he wants to go for a beer.
The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy closes the lid, convinced he's been swindled. Thirty minutes later he decides to try again.
He raises his voice and shouts, "Do you want to go for a beer?"
The centipede pokes his head out of the box and says, "Pipe down! I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes!"
Hanging out with sky...
“Hanging out with skyscraper builders is so boring! It's story after story.”
Did I say he was dead?
A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"
The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"
The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."
The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"
The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."
The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"
His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
Q: Why do pilgrims pants fall
Q: Why do pilgrims pants fall down? A: Because their belts are on their hats.
Panic at the hotel
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly," she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"
The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist.
"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"
"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"
