Popular jokes (4261 to 4275)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Lumberyard

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.
The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."
Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."
The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 1999. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"
Jon says, "Well, sh*t, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."
A wife woke in the middle of t...

"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released from jail this afternoon!"
Q: Why do pilgrims pants fall

A: Because their belts are on their hats.
Would you watch my car?

A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"
"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?"
"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."
Why Is This Night Different?

Horse Tears
A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do.
"Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.
"What's the matter now?"
the bartender asks.
The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."
The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"
The bartenter, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.
"It worked, it worked!" he exclaims.
"I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
Once there was a golfer whose...

So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.
Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?"
Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."
Church Bulletin Bloopers

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
In school one day, the teacher...

"Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche"
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Adam. Little Adam stood up and said, "I would want silicon."
The teacher said, "Adam, why silicon?"
"Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars parked outside of our house!!"
Too Much Hunting

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that sh*t?"
A golf challenge

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
Your mama so old
