Popular jokes (4426 to 4440)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
After John had purchased movie...
After John had purchased movie tickets for himself and his girlfriend, she went inside to find seats while he got some popcorn. By the time he was served, the previews were being shown and the theater was dark. John stumbled his way through the dark, sat down and gave his girlfriend a kiss.Then he heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."
A little hard of hearing!
A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
Give A Bald Man A Comb
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
"Thanks, I’ll never part with it!"
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris...
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.1. What are you thinking about
1. What are you thinking about?2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question #1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. "Football." b. "Golf." c. "How fat you are." d. "How I would spend the insurance money if you died."
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"
Question #2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "Yes!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include: a. "Oh yeah, sh*tloads." b. "Would it make you feel better if I said yes?" c. "That depends on what you mean by love." d. "Does it matter?" e. "Who, me?"
Question #3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect answers are: a. "Compared to what?" b. "I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin." c. "A little extra weight looks good on you." d. "I've seen fatter." e. "Sorry, what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died."
Question #4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include: a. "Yes, but you have a better personality." b. "Not prettier, but definitely thinner." c. "Not as pretty as you when you were her age." d. "Define pretty." e. "Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died."
Question #5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Ferrari and a boat.")
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:
Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not -- don't you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Man: Okay, I'd get married again.
Woman: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
Man: (audible groan)
Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can't use them -- she's left-handed.
Woman: (silence)
Man: Sh*t.
Which Book?
A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied, “That would be my husband’s check book.”
Can You Hear Him?
On his first day back to work after the birth of his son, Randy's supervisor said, "I understand you have a new youngster at your house?"
Randy glanced around apprehensively, "For heaven's sake, you can't hear him all the way out here, can you?"
A fellow nurse at my hospital ...
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient. "I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
Greg Behrendt: Halloween Rules
I have two rules when you come to my house on Halloween. Wear a costume -- cause if youve manned your door at your own house, you know how many kids will roll up, 14 years old with no costume and an attitude. My other rule: dont grab. Let me assess you and then design a candy situation for you. A Sunday school teacher asked...
A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." Two guys from Blount County ar...
Two guys from Blount County are sittin' in a boat on Douglas Lake fishing and suckin' down beer when all of a sudden Bill says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months." Earl sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
Lettter from god
One day God was looking down to earth and saw all the evil going on.
He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So, he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time.
When she returned she told God, yes, it was bad on earth - 95 percent of people were bad and only 5 percent were good.
Well, God thought for a moment and said that maybe he had better send down a male angel and so get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him down to earth for a time.
When the male angel returned, he went to God and told him - yes, the earth was in decline. Ninety-five percent were bad and 5 percent were good.
God said that this was not good. He would send a letter to the 5 percent of people that were good to encourage them and give them something to help keep them going.
Do you know what the letter said?
Oh, so you didn't get one either?
