Popular jokes (4516 to 4530)

April Fool's Day - Here are 5 pranks you can play on people

1. Add food coloring to milk that comes in a cardboard container.
2. Add food coloring to the windshield washer fluid of someone’s car.
3. Switch around random keys on someone’s keyboard who isn’t a very good typist.
4. Switch the Push and Pull signs on a set of doors.
5. Hide food in a trash can and when someone comes by grab some and eat it.

Two Irishmen robbed a bank

Two Irishmen robbed a bank and messed it up, managing to escape with two sacks that they found on the floor. And they take one sack each.
After awhile they meet again and one asks the other, "What did you find in your sack?"
"Ten million pounds!"
"Wow... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?"
"I bought a house. How about your sack?"

"Bah... it was full of bills."

"And what did you do with them?"

"Eh, well... little by little, I'm paying them off..."

Soap and water...

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, whom he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

"Were these dishes EVER washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

"She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."

He felt quite apprehensive, but not wanting to offend, blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious, and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"

Aren't you afraid of me?

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, the townspeople were in church, listening to the organ play. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years!"

Funny New Year jokes-Annual conflict

As in many homes on New Year's Day, Lesley and Mark, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on television, or the New Year's lunch.
Hoping to keep the peace Mark ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the television.
Some minutes later, Lesley looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for Mark.
She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was.
Mark told her it was half time and that the score was still 0-0
'See?' Lesley said happily, 'You didn't miss a thing.

Meeting the Parents

A girl invites her boyfriend over for dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner she wants to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but nervous because hes a virgin. He goes to the pharmacy to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist his situation and asks for advice. The pharmacist tells him everything there is to know about sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms hed like to buy: a 3-pack or a 10-pack. The boy says he feels lucky and insists on the 10-pack.
That night, the boy shows up for dinner a little late. His girlfriend meets him at the door leads him straight to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy sits down, quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still silent with his head down. Five minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 10 minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boy, I had no idea you were this religious.
The boy turns and whispers back, I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.

The Conscientious Ransomer

I got attacked by ransomware and was asked for money...
I sent them my pay stub...
Not only did they immediately remove the malware from my system, but they also put some money into my account.

The Truth About Nutrition

Here is the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than do the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Ed Zachary

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she go and see Dr Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So she went to see him and upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said,

'OK, take off all you crose.'

So she did.

Dr Chang then said,

'Ok now, crawl reery fass to the other side of the room.'

So she did.

Dr Chang then said,

'OK' now crawl reery fass to me,'

So she did.

Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said,

'Your problem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I

ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates.'

Confused the woman asked,

'What is Ed Zachary Disease?'

Dr Chang replied,

'It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse’

2 Government Mechanical Engineers...

Bill and Bob, two Government mechanical engineers, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole', said Bob, 'But we don't have a ladder.'
The woman said, 'Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.'
She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches' and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed.
'Ain't that just like a 'Miss-know-it-all' woman?' he said.
'We need the height and she gave us the length!'
Bob and Ray are still working for the Government.

Doctor Doctor Collection 13

Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.
Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.
Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a woodworm
How boring for you!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bridge
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an electric eel
That's shocking!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a python
You can't get round me just like that you know!

A dentist ran out of anaesthet...

A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled.
He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.
It all happened in an instant.
The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.
Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"
The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"

Wedding garb

“I had to borrow money for my wedding garb. The only two things in life that are certain are debt and tuxes.”

Give A Bald Man A Comb

What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
"Thanks, I’ll never part with it!"

Supermarket trolley