Popular jokes (4561 to 4575)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
There is a knock on the pearly...
There is a knock on the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks out, and a man is standing there. Saint Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A moment later there’s another knock. Saint Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears once again. “Hey, are you playing games with me?” Saint Peter calls after him, rather annoyed.“No” the man’s distant voice replies anxiously.
“They are trying to resuscitate me.”
A local lawyer was sitting in...
A local lawyer was sitting in his office the other morning when in walked a beautiful young lady. Without any preliminaries she said she wanted a divorce. "On what grounds?" asked the lawyer.
"I don't think he is faithful to me," she replied.
"And what makes you think he isn't faithful?" asked the lawyer.
"Well," replied the young lady, "I don't think he is the father of my child."
2 Reasons To Go School
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"
Good Question!
And Moses looked upon the Lord and said:
"We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?"
Emily Heller: Using Feminism
I have found some ways to use feminism to my own advantage -- mostly to remain lazy and disgusting. Best friends???
Frank and Jim, are walking down the street when Jim turns to Frank and says, "Frank, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?"
Frank says, "Jim, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We've been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you."
So, they keep walking. After a couple of minutes, Frank turns to Jim and says, "Jim, if you had two of those luxury type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?"
Jim says, "Frank, you and me are like brothers, you were best man at my wedding, you attended my son's wedding, we have gone to the same lodge together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Frank, I really would give the other one to you."
They keep walking. A couple of minutes later, Jim turns to Frank, "Frank, if you had two chickens..."
"Now hold on there! Jim, you KNOW I've got two Chickens!"
A Lesson – How to Find the Best Airline Price
I couldn’t decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. “Airfare to Denver is $300,” the cheery salesperson replied.
“And what about Salt Lake City?”
“We have a really great rate to Salt Lake—$99,” she said, “but there is a stopover.”
“Where?”
“In Denver,” she said.
A group of third, fourth and f...
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child.
"I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."
Big Chief
A young reporter is out on her first assignment, a full piece story on the local Indian reservation and it's tribe. The first day the reporter arrives and is greeted by a young Indian with one feather in his headband.The reporter asks "What is the one feather for?"
The indian replies "One feather for one woman I sleep with."
"Oh, ok." replies the reporter, kind of thrown off guard by his response.
The next night at dinner the reporter meets the Chiefs son, who has 20 feathers in his headband, so the reporter asks "What are the 20 feathers for?"
"20 feathers for 20 women I sleep with." he says.
The reporter replies "Oh, gosh! That's a lot!"
The chiefs son says "Come, me introduce you to Chief"
So finally, the reporter is introduced to the tribes Chief and the Chief has this long flowing fancy head-dress with feathers down to the floor and dragging behind him.
The reporter must ask: "Chief, what are all the feathers for?"
The Chief says "Each feather for each woman I sleep with."
"Oh, dear!" says the reporter.
Quickly, the Chief replies, "Deer? Deer no good, ass too high, run through bush too fast!!"
Edited by Curtis and Calamjo
Solitaire
Two lunatics are in the rec room of an asylum. One is playing solitaire, and the other is watching. Suddenly, the watcher says, "Hey! You just cheated yourself!""Ssh!" The other whispers, "Don't tell anybody, but I've been cheating myself at solitaire for years."
The first nut whispers back, "But, don't you ever catch yourself?"
"Nope", the solitaire player say proudly, "I'm way too clever!"
A dentist ran out of anaesthet...
A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled.He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.
It all happened in an instant.
The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.
Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"
The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"
