Popular jokes (4666 to 4680)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
A fisherman returned to shore...
A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than him. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows.The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, "Only caught one, eh?"
An Unusual Vet
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two
vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their
owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his
income.
He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying,
"Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way,
you get your dog back!"
Passing a Mental Exam
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
An elderly married couple...
An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the husband's examination, the doctor then said to him, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like discuss with me?"
"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."
After examining the elderly wife, the doctor said to her, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that old buzzard!" she replied.
"That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"
What do you call whe...
“What do you call when only one twin survives during pregnancy? Survival of the fetus.”
Finally getting married
My childhood crush and I are finally getting married this year!
Me in August, and her in November.
Team Spirit
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach.
"Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
Sherlock Holmes in Heaven
Sherlock Holmes stood at the Gates of Heaven pulling at his pipe awaiting his turn. "I'll let you in," said St. Peter, gesturing toward the heavenly throngs behind him, "if you'll tell me who among these was the first mortal.""Elementary, my dear St. Peter," said the great detective, "he's the one without a bellybutton." Lettter from god
One day God was looking down to earth and saw all the evil going on.
He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So, he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time.
When she returned she told God, yes, it was bad on earth - 95 percent of people were bad and only 5 percent were good.
Well, God thought for a moment and said that maybe he had better send down a male angel and so get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him down to earth for a time.
When the male angel returned, he went to God and told him - yes, the earth was in decline. Ninety-five percent were bad and 5 percent were good.
God said that this was not good. He would send a letter to the 5 percent of people that were good to encourage them and give them something to help keep them going.
Do you know what the letter said?
Oh, so you didn't get one either?
I Have A Question
A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."
Cheerleaders Vs. St. Peter
A high school cheerleading squad were in a bus that shot off a cliff killing all onboard... Don't laugh yet!
When they got to heaven they were met by St. Peter at the gate.
He asked the first girl if she had done anything with any boys, and she said to St. Peter that she had held a boys hand, so St. Peter told her to wash her hands in the holy water before entering heaven.
St. Peter then asked the second girl the same question, and she said she had kissed a boy, so Peter told her to wash her lips in holy water before entering heaven.
Then Peter noticed two farther back in line girls arguing over their position in line.
Peter asked the girls what was going on, and the one girl said to him, "I'm not gargling that after she sits in it."
The newlywed wife said to her...
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."
