Popular jokes (4711 to 4725)

From the Walmart Shopping Files

From the Walmart Shopping Files

On his first visit to the zoo,

On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time and asked his dad, "Why doesn't the stork recognize me?"

A fisherman returned to shore...

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than him. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows.
The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, "Only caught one, eh?"

A man visits his Rabbi

One day, a Jewish man visits his rabbi, with a worried look on his face.

"Rabbi Moishe, I've got quite a problem. It's my son, see. He went to Jerusalem to make pilgramage to the Wailing Wall, but when he came back, he'd become a Christian! I tried to ask him why he converted, but he didn't give me a straight answer. How on earth do you think that happened?"

The other Rabbi clicks his tongue in disbelief. "I wish I could give you a good answer, but to tell you the truth, the exact same thing happened to me! My son wanted to follow in my footsteps, went to Jerusalem for a theological study trip, and came back a Christian. I just don't know how it happened!"

Since they were at an impasse, the two men decided to pray to God and seek his aid with their problem.

"Oh graceful Elohim, we seek your counsel! We both sent our sons out to Jerusalem, but one way or another, they ended up Christian! How did this happen, oh Lord?"

There's a few seconds of silence, before a great sigh comes from above, and a divine voice booms back to them.

"Guys, you won't believe what happened to my son..."

Silly putty enjoys top 10 r

Silly putty enjoys top 10 goo glee rankings.

Ceiling Target

You know what really makes me throw up?
A dartboard on a ceiling.

Note from Mother

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read...
"The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

A Very Special Cow

Q. Have you heard of the dyslexic cow who attained enlightenment?
A. It kept on repeating OOOOMMM!

True Mother-in-Law

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they argued before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall cut the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.""Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to cut him in two!" exclaimed the king's advisor.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

Purina Diet

A friend of mine has a big Labrador retriever. While I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart for him, a woman behind me in the check out line asked if it was for a dog (duh?).
On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet. The way that it works is you load all your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in the hospital last time because I'd been poisoned.
I told her no; I was sitting in the street licking my balls when a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a cardiac, and would require need help as he laughed so hard he fell to the floor.

Mind Telling Me The Time?

BLONDE: "Excuse me, what time is it right now?"
WOMAN: "It's 11:25PM."
BLONDE: (confused look on face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer."

You Remind Me of the Sea

Girl: "You remind me of the sea."
Boy: "Why? Because I'm so wild and romantic?"
Girl: "No, because you make me sick."

Puns ab

Puns about liver: they may taste awful, but they're chock full of iron-y.

What do you do?

"What do you do?" a young man asked the beautiful girl he was dancing with.

"I'm a nurse."

"I wish I could be ill and let you nurse me," he whispered in her ear.

"That would be miraculous. I work on the maternity ward."

Pierre Trudeau

When reporters asked Pierre Trudeau if his carpet would ever match his drapes, he replied “Just swatch me!”