Popular jokes (4801 to 4815)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
The Baseball Playoffs are On!
Sidney telephones Rabbi Levy. He says, "Rabbi, I know tonight is Yom Kippur, but tonight the Yankees are in the playoffs. Rabbi, I'm a life-long Yankees fan. I've got to watch the Yankees game on TV."Rabbi Levy replies, "Sidney, that's what video recorders are for." Sidney is surprised. "You mean I can tape Yom Kippur?"A six-year-old boy called his...
A six-year-old boy called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room. "But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."
Harry and his neighbor Joe oft...
Harry and his neighbor Joe often borrowed things from each other. One day, Harry asked to borrow Joe's ladder.Joe said, "Sorry Harry, I've lent it to my son."
Remembering a saying that his grandma often used to tell him, Harry said, "Joe, you should never lend anything to your children because you'll never get it back."
Joe replied, "Don't worry, it's not my ladder - it's my dad's."
Contortionist Who Passed Away
Did you hear about the contortionist who passed away?
He died in his own arms.
A True Story
A young man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is at the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to swing when he hears, 'Ribbit. 9- Iron'.
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. 'Ribbit. 9-Iron.' He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts his other club away, and grabs a 9-iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked!
He says to the frog, 'Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?' The frog replies 'Ribbit. Lucky frog.'
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
'What do you think frog?' the man asks. 'Ribbit. 3-wood.' The guy takes out a 3-wood, and boom! A hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, 'OK where to next?' The frog replies, 'Ribbit. Las Vegas.'
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, 'OK frog, now what?' The frog says, 'Ribbit. Roulette.'
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, 'What do you think I should bet?' The frog replies, 'Ribbit. $3000,black 6.' Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the young man figures what the heck. Boom - tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, 'Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've helped me to win all this money and I am forever grateful.'
The frog replies, 'Ribbit, Kiss Me.' He figures, Why not?
After all the frog did for him, it is a small price to pay.
With the kiss, however, the frog turns into a gorgeous 28-year-old young woman.
........... 'And that, sir, is exactly how your wife ended up in my room.'
On Exercising
1 - My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where in the worldl she is. 2 - The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3 - I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4 - I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5 - I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
6 - I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7 - I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8 - The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9 - If you are going to try cross-county skiing, start with a small country.
10 - I don't jog; it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
and last but not least....
It is well documented that for every mile that you jog..... you add one minute to your life .... This enables you, at 85 years old.... to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
Assignment Difficulty
An elementary school teacher decides to pole the class on the difficulty of last night's homework assignment:
How many people were able to complete the assignment without parents help?
About 25% of the class raises their hands. How many people we able to complete the assignment with the help of a parent? About 70% of the class raises their hand. The teacher still notices about 5% of the class did not raise their hands.
She then calls out, "How many people had to help a parent complete your assignment?
Advice from lawyers
George and Lenny decide to cross North America in a hot air balloon. However, neither were particularly experienced balloonists, and Lenny's mind quickly drifted from navigation to thoughts of how clouds look like cuddly little bunny rabbits. Upon realizing that they were lost, George declared, "Lenny -- we are going to have to lose some altitude so we can figure out where we are."
George lets some hot air out of the balloon, which slowly descended below the clouds, but he still couldn't tell where they were. Far below, they could see a man on the ground. George lowered the balloon, to ask the man their location.
When they were low enough, George called down to the man, "Hey, can you tell us where we are?" The man on the ground yelledback, "You're in a balloon, about 100 feet up in the air."
George Called down to the man, "You must be a lawyer." "Gee, George," Lenny replied, "How can you tell?" George answered, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and is completely useless".
The man called back up to the balloon, "You must be a client." George yelled back, "Why do you say that?" "Well," the man replied, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You got into your predicament through a lack of planning, and could have avoided it by asking for help before you acted. You expect me to provide an instant remedy. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
Can You Hear Him?
On his first day back to work after the birth of his son, Randy's supervisor said, "I understand you have a new youngster at your house?"
Randy glanced around apprehensively, "For heaven's sake, you can't hear him all the way out here, can you?"
Rednecks Go Fishing
Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
Drummer Problems
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
