Popular jokes (4786 to 4800)

Rising to the Occasion

A bunch of girls had become upset at an anthropology

professor who had a knack of offending women. They decided

the next time he did something offensive, they would all

stand up and walk out of his class. Sure enough, at the very

next class meeting while discussing a tribe of African

natives. The professor leered and said, "You'll be

interested to know the average tribal warrior there has a

cock twelve inches long."

The girls all rose in a large mass and headed for the door.

The prof sneered and said, "What's your hurry, girls? The

next flight to there isn't until Saturday!"

A man and his wife were sittin...

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

Animal Pictures

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.
"Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"
Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.
"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"
Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."
Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."

Doc, you've got to help my husband...

"Doc, you've got to help my husband," a farmer's wife said frantically. "He thinks he's a racehorse. He wants to live in a stable; he walks on all fours and he even eats hay."
"I'm sure I can cure him," the doctor replied, "but it'll be very costly."
"Oh, money's no object," she responded. "He's already won two races."

The barber's client looked de...

The barber's client looked depressed, so the barber told him, "Cheer up. I knew a guy who owed $5,000 he couldn't pay. He drove his vehicle to the edge of a cliff, where he sat for over an hour. A group of concerned citizens heard about his problem and passed a hat around. Relieved, the man pulled back from the cliff's edge."
"Incredible," said the client. "Who were these kind people?"
"The passengers on the bus."

Guess Who Knows The State Capitals?

A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them."
A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."

Poisonous Snake

2 friends were camping out one night, when all of the sudden one of them jumps up screaming, "A SNAKE JUST BIT ME ON THE TIP OF MY PENIS!!".
The other friend said, "don't worry, I am going to town to find a doctor, I will be right back!".
So he goes to town, and finally finds a doctor.
"Doctor!! My friend just got bit by a snake!!!" the friend says. "It's ok", the doctor says, "all you have to do is suck the poison out.".
The friend says thank you, and runs back to the camp site. The injured friends asks, "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY?"
The other friend replies, "doctor said you gonna die!"

Tupperware

What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?

They like a tight seal.

Chuck Norris once leaned again...

Chuck Norris once leaned against a tower in Pisa, Italy.

Smart Cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

Talking Frog

A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,
"Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,
"Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

You Must Be A Visionary

Two boys were fishing on the bank of a river. The one boy remarked that being a visionary must be very difficult. He went on to say much more and added that visionaries are seldom understood in they're life time.
The other boy replied, "Then you must be a visionary, cause I have no idea what you’re talking about!"

HAPPY July the 1st, international JOKES day!

HAPPY July the 1st, international JOKES day!

Three Pastors were having lunc

Three Pastors were having lunch together ata diner. The first Pastor said, "Ya know,since summer started I've been havingtrouble with mice in my church. I've triedeverything--noise, spray, cats--nothingseems to scare them away.
The second Pastor then said "Yea, me too.I've got hundreds living in the basementof the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yetthey still won't go away."
With a grin on his face, the third Pastorsaid, "I had the same problem so I baptizedall mine and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!!!"

10 funny one-liners from North West comedians

"I think animal testing is a terrible idea - they get all nervous and give the wrong answers." - Peter Kay

"A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals." - Peter Kay

"So this bloke says to me, 'Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?' I thought, "'That's all I need - a Je-hoover's witness.'" - Peter Kay

"So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, I thought, 'That's a turtle disaster.'- Peter Kay

"We've had to get a live-in nanny, 'cos that dead one wasn't working out." - Lee Mack

"I’m in a relationship at the moment. Sorry girls... it’s going to have to be your place." - Lee Mack

"I went to see a handwriting expert last week, she could tell I was laid-back, gullible and well-off just from a signature on a cheque." - Lee Mack

"I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it." - Ken Dodd

"My Dad always knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby he said, 'Is this a joke?'" - Ken Dodd

"Five out of every three people have trouble understanding fractions." - Ken Dodd