Popular jokes (4996 to 5010)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Oops
A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"
At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.
Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.
I must have a rais...
"I must have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me." "Really?" the boss asked. "What other companies are after you?"
"The gas company, the telephone company, and the electricity company," the man replied.
Sheng Wang: Man With a Comb Over
If you can show me a man with a comb over, I can show you a man who thinks that by crushing a bag of chips, you make more chips. Diaper change...
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.
"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby...!"
New York Girl
A girl from New York and a girl from the west coast were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from New York, being friendly and all said, "So, where ya from?"
The west coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from New York, sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:
"So, where ya from.... bitch?"
Doc, you've got to help my husband...
"Doc, you've got to help my husband," a farmer's wife said frantically. "He thinks he's a racehorse. He wants to live in a stable; he walks on all fours and he even eats hay.""I'm sure I can cure him," the doctor replied, "but it'll be very costly."
"Oh, money's no object," she responded. "He's already won two races."
There Was A Place Crash In Poland
A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.A young gay man calls home and...
A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her.She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?"
He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but is from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is her name?"
He answers, "Monica Lewinsky."
There is a long pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice Catholic boy you were dating last year?"
The Amish and the Elevator
An Amish boy and his parents were visiting a mall. While the mother looked for cotton fabric for a new apron, the father and son stood around, amazed by almost everything they saw. They were especially amazed by two, shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.The boy asked, "What is that, father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is.""Could it be a time machine?" asked the boy. “I heard about this movie picture show where people leave the earth in shiny vehicles.”"Praise the Lord", said the father. "There sure are miraculous things in the city."While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch until the last number was reached, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.Finally, the walls opened again and a gorgeous 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."- Joke shared by Beliefnet member socalifladyWith no warning and clear out...
With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight." His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!"
The husband said, "I know all that."
"Then why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife.
The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."
The seven-year old girl told h...
The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor." "Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."
Hanukkah Songs That Never Quite Caught On:
-Oy to the World
– Schlepping Through A Winter Wonderland
– Hava Negilah – The Megamix
– Bubbie Yetta Got Run Over By A Reindeer
– Enough With Those G** D**** Jingle Bells Already…Sheez!
– Matzo Man (By The Lower East Side Village People)
– I Have A Little Dreidel (The Barking Dog Version)
– Come On Baby, Light My Menorah
– Deck The Halls With Balls of Matzos
– Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky!
