Popular jokes (5071 to 5085)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
All parachutes are perfec
Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.
Benny Hill (1924-1992)
Picture: REX FEATURES
Phobia
A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.
"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said the man.
Six months later the doctor met the man on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
Birthday cake for wife
On wife's b'day, man ordered a cake on phone.
Salesman: What message to put on the cake?
Man: Write “Getting older but U R getting better.”
Salesman: kaise likhna hai message ?
Man: Well.. put “U R getting older” at the top and “but U R getting better” at the bottom.
When the cake was opened all guests died laughing at the message.
It read: “You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom!”
There’s a light inside of everyone
There’s a light inside of everyone. No matter what, someone is always going to come around and try to dim that light or shut it off. Whatever you do, you hold on to that light and you fight. You fight to not let that person tear you down, you fight for the right to define yourself, to not let anyone else tell you who you are. You gotta keep your head up, because people will always hang around waiting for you to fall, for the light to shut off. Don’t ever let someone fade the light that makes you beautiful. Because in the end, you’re the one who controls how brightly you shine. Pretty normal
A woman went to see her psychiatrist. "I'm really concerned," she said. "The other day I found my daughter and the little boy next door together, naked, examining each other's bodies and giggling." The psychiatrist smiled. "That's nothing to worry about, it's pretty normal."
"Well, I don't know," said the woman, "It worries me. It worries my daughter's husband too."
Funny New Year jokes-Annual conflict
As in many homes on New Year's Day, Lesley and Mark, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on television, or the New Year's lunch. Hoping to keep the peace Mark ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the television.
Some minutes later, Lesley looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for Mark.
She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was.
Mark told her it was half time and that the score was still 0-0
'See?' Lesley said happily, 'You didn't miss a thing.
Donnell Rawlings: Friends With Cool Jobs
Comedys a tough job, man. Ive got friends who got cool jobs. One of my friends, hes a porno star. Guess how he got discovered? This girl sat on his lap, and she was like, Ooh, you should do porno! Same girl sat on my lap and was like, Ooh, you should tell jokes! Bowling again!
A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed.
So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl.
He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.
"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"
She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"
He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.
"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"
Death in the Family
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible.
What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months?
How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"
Finally getting married
My childhood crush and I are finally getting married this year!
Me in August, and her in November.
A six-year-old boy called his...
A six-year-old boy called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room. "But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."
Beautiful Daughter
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"
A Texan farmer goes to Austral...
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
