Popular jokes (5056 to 5070)

Does an executioner who gets nervous ...

Does an executioner who gets nervous about sending an aristocrat to the gallows suffer from performance hang-society?

Elephant Jokes 02

What' s big and grey with horns?
An elephant marching band!

What's yellow on the outside and grey on the inside?
An elephant disguised as a banana!

What's big, grey and flies straight up?
An elecopter!

What's grey, carries a bunch of flowers and cheers you up when your ill?
A get wellephant!

What's grey and never needs ironing?
A drip dry elephant!

What's big and grey and red?
A sunburnt elephant!

What did the hotel manager say to the elephant that couldn't pay his bill?
"Pack your trunk and clear out!"
How do you get an elephant into a matchbox?
Take all the matches out first!

What weighs 4 tons and is bright red?
An elephant holding its breath!

Getting away from their high-s...

Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.
Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV: "Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package."

She said she was approaching forty

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction

Bob Hope (1903-2003)

Picture: Reuters

With no warning and clear out...

With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight."
His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!"
The husband said, "I know all that."
"Then why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife.
The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."

Hanukkah Songs That Never Quite Caught On:

-Oy to the World

– Schlepping Through A Winter Wonderland

– Hava Negilah – The Megamix

– Bubbie Yetta Got Run Over By A Reindeer

– Enough With Those G** D**** Jingle Bells Already…Sheez!

– Matzo Man (By The Lower East Side Village People)

– I Have A Little Dreidel (The Barking Dog Version)

– Come On Baby, Light My Menorah

– Deck The Halls With Balls of Matzos

– Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky!

This guy was so lonely that he...

This guy was so lonely that he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion he finally bought a centipede (100-leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So, he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,"How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet.So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box:
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

I was visiting my daughter las...

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.".

I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!

A woman from New York was driv...

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.
"Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles".

Things Not To Say During Childbirth

-- Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.
-- Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
-- I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
-- If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
-- That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
-- When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
-- You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
-- This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
-- Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
-- Stop your swearing and just breathe.
-- Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words.
-- Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there

He's Yahoo Old

Friend: "How old is your boyfriend?"
Me: "He's old, he has a Yahoo email address."

Desert Food

Two cowboys were lost in the desert when they spotted a tree draped in bacon strips.
"We're saved!" shouted one cowboy. But when he ran up to the tree, he was shot multiple times.
It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

Women need a reason to have sex

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

Billy Crystal (March 14 1948-)

Picture: Getty Images

A dedicated shop steward was a...

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to checkout the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, "Isthis a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the Madame.
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked.
"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the streetin search of a more equitable shop.
At the second one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the Madame.
"If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked again.
"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."
Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a moreequitable shop.
His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the Madame said,"Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he questioned.
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to astunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir", said the Madame while gesturing to a grotesque womanin her seventies in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

Boy Scout on the plane

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy scout and a pastor were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane.

Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down.

Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said "I'm the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped, also.

The pastor looked at the little boy scout and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy scout handed the parachute back to the pastor and said "Not to worry, Preacher. 'The smartest man in the world' just jumped out with my back pack."