Popular jokes (5041 to 5055)

Come On, Ride the Train

Q: If an electric train is heading north, which way would the steam be coming out?
A: There wouldn't be any. It's an electric train.

Special golf ball

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had just one golf ball.

“Don't you have at least one other golf ball?” he asked.

The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.

“Are you sure?” the friend persisted. “What happens if you lose that ball?”

The other guy replied, “This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one.”

"Well,” the friend asked, “what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?”

“That's OK,” he replied, “this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it.”

“Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?”

The other guy replied, “That's OK too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no problem.”

Exasperated, the friend asks, “OK. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?”

“No problem,” says the other guy, “you see, this ball is florescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark.”

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, “Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?”

The other guy replies, “I found it.”

A mother is cleaning her teena...

A mother is cleaning her teenage daughter's room when she finds a bondage magazine hidden under the bed. She shows it to her husband and asks him what he thinks they should do.
After flicking through the magazine her husband says, "To be honest I'm not sure, but I don't think spanking her is going to help."

Maria Bamford: Religious Worship

My mom is very religious, and she said, Whatever you think about all the time, thats what you worship. If thats the case, Id like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People magazines.

I was visiting my daughter las...

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.".

I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!

Math Teacher

The night before one exam, two students tied one on, (well, actually, tied two on, one each), and managed to sleep through the final. They realized they were in serious trouble, so they agreed to tell the professor that they had a flat tire on the way to the exam.
``No problem." said the Professor, ``Come by my office at 5 P.M. and I'll give you the exam then."
Feeling pretty clever, the students spent the intervening time getting information on the exam from students who had already taken it, and making sure they knew how to do the problems. Coming to the professor's office that evening, they were told, ``Leave your books in my office, and I'll put you in two separate rooms for the exam." They were both ecstatic to see that the Professor had given them the exact same exam taken by the class that morning. However, there was an additional page tacked on the end, upon which was written, "For 50% of the grade, which tire was flat?"

He's Yahoo Old

Friend: "How old is your boyfriend?"
Me: "He's old, he has a Yahoo email address."

Phil had just joined a club af...

Phil had just joined a club after his friend had recommended it (being a member for quite some time). They were sitting at the bar having their beers when someone yelled "21" and there was a small uproar of laughter. A few minutes later someone else yelled "34" and another roar of laughter rose up. Phil, confused about this asked his friend "Why is everyone laughing at the numbers being called out" His friend said, well we've been telling the same jokes for so many years that we just numbered them all and if you want to tell a joke you just call out a number" Phil nodded and said "Can I try?" His friend nodded and Phil called out "121" and everyone in the club roared with laughter and it didn't die down for at least another 15 minutes after. "Why did everyone laugh so hard at that joke?" Phil asked. His friend said with a small chuckle "We haven't heard that one before."

Despite sometimes broken Engli

Despite sometimes broken English, many immigrants live a half fluent lifestyle.

The Baseball Playoffs are On!

Sidney telephones Rabbi Levy. He says, "Rabbi, I know tonight is Yom Kippur, but tonight the Yankees are in the playoffs. Rabbi, I'm a life-long Yankees fan. I've got to watch the Yankees game on TV."Rabbi Levy replies, "Sidney, that's what video recorders are for." Sidney is surprised. "You mean I can tape Yom Kippur?"

Boy Scout on the plane

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy scout and a pastor were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane.

Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down.

Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said "I'm the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped, also.

The pastor looked at the little boy scout and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy scout handed the parachute back to the pastor and said "Not to worry, Preacher. 'The smartest man in the world' just jumped out with my back pack."

During a visit to the mental a...

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.
Well, said the Director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, said the visitor.
A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
No said the Director, A normal person would pull the plug out.
Do you want a bed near the window?

Getting away from their high-s...

Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.
Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV: "Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package."

Temperance

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

She said she was approaching forty

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction

Bob Hope (1903-2003)

Picture: Reuters