Popular jokes (511 to 525)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Ambulance or Police?
One night a husband and wife were sleeping and suddenly the wife woke up.
"Honey, wake up! I think there’s a burglar downstairs, and it sounds like they're eating the cake I made!” said the wife.
Half asleep, the husband answers, "So should I call the police or the ambulance?”
Charles Dickens was quite moved
Charles Dickens was quite moved after witnessing the foul, unhygienic conditions of the English workers. One time he saw a man spitting phlegm down a sewer, and was so disgusted that he wrote a novel about it: Grate Expectorations.Sometimes...
Sometimes... when you cry... no one sees your tears .
Sometimes... when you are worried... no one sees your pain.
Sometimes... when you are happy... no one sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
Bad Breath
We should have a way of telling people when they have bad breath.
Something like, "Well, I'm bored... let's go brush our teeth."
Or, "I've got to make a phone call, hold this gum in your mouth for me, will you."
An elderly lady was stopped to...
An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was going to park there!" The man said, "That's what you can do when you're young and bright."
Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes.
The young man ran back to his car and asked, "What did you do that for?"
The little old lady smiled and told him, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!"
Eiffel Tower jokes
It is Eiffel Tower Day today! The day marks the completion of the Eiffel Tower on this day in 1889!
I Tried To Climb The Eiffel Tower Once
But eiffel!
What do you call a tourist visiting the Eiffel Tower?
PariSites.
From Yuppie Businessman to redneck in 35 Easy Steps
Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream that you would one day become a redneck?Have you always wanted to be a Bubba, but didn't know how?
Is there an inner Cletus inside that dapper and dignified image, just hollerin' to get out?
Well, now, Mister Corporate High-flyer, YOU can become the redneck you have always wanted to be!
Purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco and six cases of beer. That is all you will need to start!
Now follow the 35 SIMPLE and EASY guidelines in our manual!
Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE during WORKING HOURS.
1) We assume you are a dignified, well-groomed yuppie executive; therefore, as you read this, it is also assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black captoe leather shoes and silk business socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin and a Rolex. If you are not dressed like this, stop NOW and continue when you are.
FIRST, untie and remove high-and-mighty mirror-shined executive shoes. Peel off fancy socks.
DO THIS NOW! This is NOT optional!
Be warned: these shoes and socks have been vital to your identity until now, so do not deceive yourself; this will be a challenge to a true yuppie executive. They MUST be removed to move forward into the wonderful new world that awaits you.
(Note: This will also work with Johnston & Murphy wingtips or those Italian loafers with those little tassels on them.)
2) Stuff silk socks in shiny shoes and drop in garbage can.
3) *URGENT* Do not, under any circumstances, put shoes back on. You MUST remain barefoot. If you fail, return to step one. This will take discipline! This is where most would-be bubbas fail! You will be tempted to put them back on - resist this!
If you have trouble, don't hesitate to call our 800 emergency number. A bona fide trained Bubba coach will help you.
4) The following is guaranteed to help bring you off your high horse in a hurry, and into the redneck world! Trust us!
Prop bare feet on polished office desk, with soles facing open office door. Do NOT remove feet from desk, even when co-workers, clients and/or boss enter office.
5) Remove cufflinks and scratch soles of feet with them when others enter office and during office conference. Put cufflinks back on.
6) Use necktie to wipe nose.
7) Use tiepin and/or collar stud to clean toenails. Put tiepin or collar stud back in tie or shirt.
Eat lunch with knife only. Wipe dirty knife on otherwise spotless business suit.
9) Reach under suit trouser leg and scratch. Scratch under arms.
10) Open can of beer. Drink rapidly and belch loudly. Practice! Dribble on business suit. Discarded business socks may be used to wipe mouth. Repeat. Pile cans on expensive office carpet.
11) Shout with laughter for no reason.
Note: Do NOT be concerned if you experience concern about your dignity. Your dignity will soon disappear! Do not worry!
12) Place tobacco in mouth; place in back of cheek. Practice spitting streams of tobacco juice on to computer screen, or on polished office floor, or on important presentation, or in the cuffs of the trousers of your pinstriped suit. Brooks Brothers shoes may also serve as spittoon.
Note: This is the ONLY time when you may retrieve shoes from garbage! See Step #3.
13) Untie and remove natty silk necktie, unfasten and remove gold monogrammed cufflinks, pluck pocket square from suit, unfasten tiepin, unbutton and pull out suspenders and slide Rolex off wrist. Drop ALL items in garbage can.
14) Strip off classy, expensive tailored Armani business suit, starched shirt and designer underwear. Toss in garbage can.
Note: Removal of business suit can be traumatic for an uppity upper class businessman. It is comparable to an operation. Be prepared for shock to system.
15) Add briefcase, cell phone and day-timer.
16) Cut up credit cards and throw away wallet.
17) Cut up Ivy League degree.
18) Put on overalls. Walk around in hem to get used to your new look.
19) Practice poor posture and sluggish walk.
20) Cancel subscriptions to Wall Street Journal and New York Times. Have cable disconnected.
21) If you have not already been fired, quit high-paying prestigious white-collar job and stop working altogether.
Alternative: become a garbage man or janitor or sling hash in a diner.
22) Make appointment with dentist. Have front teeth removed.
23) Make appointment with surgeon. Have all hair on top of head removed through electrolysis. Let hair grow on sides and back.
24) Shave ONLY twice a week. Be careful to leave stubble at all times.
25) Bathe ONLY twice a week.
26) Begin intensive redneck language course. Do not use more than five words in a sentence. Drop all "NG" endings from words - "havin" instead of "having". Learn to yelp and whoop and holler.
27) Sell Porsche.
28) Buy used pickup.
29) Sell condo.
30) Buy dilapidated shack in backwoods and shotgun rack.
31) Give or throw away all remaining clothes: business suits, ties, shoes, socks, shirts, and accessories, including Burberry tuxedo, overcoat and patent leather pumps worn to corporate black tie events. NOTHING can be retained.
32) Sell stocks and bonds and give all proceeds from these and sale of car and home to a redneck charity. You will NOT need money.
33) Watch NASCAR and pro-wrestling every day. Do NOT miss any episodes.
34) Find wrecked car and leave in front of shack.
35) Have name changed legally from "Mark" or "Andrew" or "Kevin" to "Cletus" or "Bubba" or "Jed".
Congratulations! You, Sir, are now the Redneck you have dreamed of becoming!
Satisfaction Guaranteed! And no one will ever call you "sir" again!
The godfather
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is'. The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is?
The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about'. The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about'. The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again'! The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him'! The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens'!
The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say'? The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger'.
A farmer and his wife were lay
A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife's breast a little feel and says, "Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow."His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, "Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."
His wife then reaches over and grabs his penis. "Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother."
7 short jokes to make Friday even better
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,"You know, one would have been enough."
Bread is a lot like the sun.
It rises in the yeast, and sets in the waist.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking,
so I'm off to find a bar with a mirror!
Why do most people write with their right hand?
Because they don't want to write with the wrong hand.
Which celebrity is always ready for cereal?
Reese, with her spoon
I can't believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit.
I am peachless!
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now!
Finally, A Good Trump Joke
Donald is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts 'Mickey Mouse!'
This startles the would-be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, 'What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?'
Blushing, the agent replies, 'I got nervous. I meant to shout 'Donald, duck!'
The Sparrow
Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings! Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.
Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.
The Moral of the Story:
Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy
Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.
And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.
Juston McKinney: Parking Tickets in New York
The first ticket I got in Manhattan I thought was a misprint. Im like, No, this has got to be a mistake. You put a quarter in the meter out there and it runs out, its a $55 fine. Thats a little excessive. Now, I could see it if you parked in a handicapped persons living room, but not for the meter running out. It goes from 25 cents to $55. Thats a 22,000% increase. 
16 Jokes to celebrate Hug an Australian Day!
April 26th is Hug an Australian Day! Find jokes about Australia and Australians: 1.Q: Why are murders in Tasmania so hard to solve?
A: Because there are no dental records and all the DNA matches.
2.A British man is visiting Australia. The customs agent asks him, “Do you have a criminal record?” The British man replies, “I didn’t think you needed one to get into Australia anymore.”
3.Q: If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?
A: Australian!
4.Q: How many Aussies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to hold the bulb and two to turn the ladder.
5.Q: What do you call an Aussie in the finals of the World Cup?
A: The referee.
6.Q: What do you call a farting Aussie?
A: Ned Smelly
7.Q: What's the difference between Cinderella and Melbourne FC?
A: Cinderella wanted to get to the ball
8.An Aussie said, “Take away your snow capped mountains, culture, and good food, and what would New Zealand be?”
The kiwi answered, “Australia”.
9.Q: What do you call an Aussie with 100 girlfriends?
A: A farmer
10.Q: Why is Australia such a dry country?
A: We don't have a king or queen to reign on it.
11.Two Aussies are drinking together. One says, “When I die, will you promise to pour a beer on my grave?”
The other replies, “No worries mate, but I’ll have to pass it through my kidneys first.”
12.Q: Why did Tasmanians evolve to grow two heads?
A: So they can have an intelligent conversation when they visit the mainland!
13.Q: Where can someone visit for 2 hours in Melbourne.
A: St Kilda via Punt Road.
14.Q: Want to hear a joke about the construction industry in Australia?
A: Too bad, they're still working on it!
15.Q: How do you know when you're a hipster bogan?
A: When your coffee machine costs more than your washing machine.
16.Here's something you didn't know...Your taxi driver was a surgeon before arriving in Australia.
#HuganAustralianDay
