Popular jokes (541 to 555)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
A man goes to confess and admits to committing all 7 deadly sins in a single day
He confesses, "I was trying to save up for my dream house, but someone bought it before I could. I got so furious and jealous that I disguised myself as a utility worker and went to his place while he was at work. I ended up seducing his wife, and while she was in the shower, I took all the cash and jewelry I could find. Then I raided the pantry, ate everything in sight, and took naps on and off until just before he came home."The priest asks, "And what about Pride? You seem to have left that one out."
The man replies, "Oh no, I'm very, very proud of myself!"
Running Out Of Fuel
My friend is notorious for waiting until the needle is on empty before filling his gas tank. Finally his car died on him, and we had to push it to the nearest filling station. After my friend finished pumping gas, the attendant asked if he had learned anything.
“Yeah,” my friend muttered, “I learned I have a 15-gallon tank.”
The Man Who Orders Three Beers
An Irishman by the name of Paul McLean moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers."
"'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening -- he orders only two beers. Word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know -- the two beers and all..."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
Lordy, lordy
Once upon a time there was this lady and she was white. She liked black people!She liked their churches and their music! Most of all she liked their clothes.
So one day she decides she is going to dress up like a black person and paint herself black.
She gets all dressed up and goes to church. When she was at church this little black kid came up to her flipped up her dress.
He started singing, "Lordy, lordy bless my soul, never seen a nigga wit a white ass hole!"
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis
Ass Kissing and Brown Nosing
Q: Whats the only difference between ass kissing and brown nosing?A: Depth perception.
26 funny new Thanksgiving jokes
Q: What happens when you're too harsh on cranberries and make them sad?
A: They turn into blueberries.
Q: What's the difference between Election Day and Thanksgiving?
A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day. On Election Day, you get a turkey for four years.
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was Thanksgiving Day and he wanted people to think he was a chicken!
A first grade class was asked to write a paragraph called "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving."
Little Johnny's began, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."
Q: When did the Pilgrims first say, "God bless America?"
A: The first time they heard America sneeze.
Q: What do you call Thanksgiving if you're selfish?
A: Thanks-taking.
My husband doesn't think housework is a full-time job. So for Thanksgiving, I served him a raw turkey because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Why did the farmer run a steamroller over his potato field on Thanksgiving Day?
He wanted to raise mashed potatoes.
Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?
A: A turkey that can pluck itself!
Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn?
A: Where's popcorn?
Q: What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?
A: God save the kin.
Q: What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day?
A: Quack! Quack!
Q: Which part of the turkey do drummers prefer?
A: The drumstick, or course!
Q: What's the main ingredient in Thanksgiving bread?
A: May-flour!
Q: Where's the only place that Christmas comes before Thanksgiving?
A: In the dictionary!
Q: What's a pumpkin's favorite sport?
A: Squash!
Q: What do you call it when it rains turkeys?
A: Foul weather!
Q: What sound does a turkey's phone make?
A: Wing, wing.
Q: What's the smallest unit of measurement in the pilgrim cookbook?
A: Pilgram.
Q: How did Albert Einstein celebrate Thanksgiving?
A: He was very thinkful.
Q: Why did the Pilgrim eat a candle?
A: He wanted a light snack.
Q: Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
A: He lost track of thyme.
Q: Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk?
A: To try to hatchet.
Q: Why do turkeys lay eggs?
A: Because if they dropped them, they would break.
Q: If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does turkey come from?
A: A poul-tree.
Q: What do you get when a turkey lays an egg on a hill?
A: An eggroll.
Scottish Wedding
Glasgow boys Archie and Jock were sitting in the pub discussing Jock’s forthcoming wedding. ‘Aye, it’s all going like magic,’ said Jock. ‘I've got everything organized already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.’
Archie nodded approvingly.
‘Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!’ continued Jock.
‘A kilt?’ exclaimed Archie. ‘That’s grand, you'll look pure smart in that! And what’s the tartan?”
‘Ach,’ said Jock, ‘I imagine she’ll be in white
How to Hug
I went to the library the other day and found a book titled "How to Hug".
Wanting to learn the secrets of intimacy I quickly grabbed the book and headed to the checkout counter.
The librarian was polite but said I couldn't check out the book because it was the seventh volume of Encyclopedia Britannica.
Perform Under Pressure
I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure.
I said, "No, but I can perform Bohemian Rhapsody!"
5 new jokes from the High Plains Comedy Festival
I’m from Texas.
I don’t sound like it – because I learned to read.”
~Usama Siddiquee
I’m polyamorous.
That means I love cats and dogs equally.”
~Mishka Shubaly
Once you reach age 35, you are not allowed to go on vacation alone.
It creeps everybody out.”
~Graham Kay
I might have kids someday. I don’t know.
Right now, I dont have time to come home and let them out.”
~Beth Stelling
My boyfriend and I just went to a destination wedding.
… Yeah, it was in Hell.”
~Katie Hannigan
Flying Her Broom
A witch was flying her broom along when she noticed that all the other witches were flying on vacuum cleaners.
She thought, "Am I the only one still driving a stick?"
Porn Defined
I repeatedly hear that pornography is difficult, if not impossible, to define. Nonsense. Nothing could be easier. Pornography is simply sexually oriented material which is damaging to the moral fibre of other people. There. Plain and simple. You will note that damaging and dangerous as pornography is, it never seems to damage the morality of the individual who has carefully studied the stuff and is now denouncing it. Must be something like the professional immunity physicians enjoy.
People often wonder about the difference between "hard core" and "soft core" pornography. Another simple difference.
"Soft core" pornography is that which gives one a soft-on. So there.
Spring Cleaning
I'm not a fan of spring cleaning.
Let's be honest, I'm not into summer, fall, or winter cleaning either.
