Popular jokes (5446 to 5460)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Kids in the back seat cause ac...
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it EF'D UP?
Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film.
How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?
If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!
If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If, by some incredible space-t...
If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
When world was created
VP candidate Sarah claims to know that the world was created 6,000 years ago—but most Palin-ontologists would disagree. Pete Holmes: I Love New York
There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that its impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. Think about that, thats true. Cause you can hear anything, at any hour -- theres always something to blame it on. ------------------------------...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------How bout this one:
Kiwi bloke was on earth doing the Haka. Somewhere in space, Aliens were watching this unusual dance.
"Kamate, kamate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"
The Aliens were very interested and they wanted to see what would happen if they would take a part of his brain away without him even knowing. So with their alien technology they sent a laser beam down that hit the Kiwi's head and took a part of his brain away.
The Aliens then sat back to see what would happen.
"Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......."
What the??? The Aliens were amazed with what they were seeing. The Kiwi guy could operate with less than a full brain. So they decided to send the beam down and take another part of his brain. The Aliens watched on.
"Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"
"WHAT!!!" the Aliens said to each other. "These Kiwis are very clever people even with half a brain. Let's see what happens if we take the rest of it away and leave him with no brain at all!"
So with a push of a button the Aliens sent the beam down and took away the final part of the Kiwi's brain.
"Now surely he won't know anything at all.He should be too dumb and stupid to do anything now?"
And sure enough, with no brain and no knowledge of anything at all as the Aliens watched on the bloke sang,
The passengers were leaving th...
The passengers were leaving the plane after landing, and one smiling, satisfied passenger paused to congratulate the flight attendant."Stewardess," he said happily, "I want to compliment you and the crew and especially the captain for getting here right on time. It's not often that an airline gets to where it's going exactly when they claim it will. I'm going to call your home office and let them know how pleased I am."
"Why, thank you, sir," the flight attendant answered, "but I think you should know something ... this is yesterday's flight."
How was your game, dear?
"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.
"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."
Clocks in heaven....
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer.
St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks. The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's President Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."
Loud Train
A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."
The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true.
"Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"
The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
A blonde was playing Trivial P...
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature".
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time, and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
