Popular jokes (5521 to 5535)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Different Kind of Easter
Just before Easter, I remarked to my husband that with the children grown and away from home, this was the first year that we hadn’t dyed eggs and had an Easter-egg hunt.
“That’s all right, honey,” he said. “We can just hide each other’s vitamin pills.”
Little Johnny on Math
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little Johhny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
My Wife a Chicken
A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"
The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"
"Two years," says the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."
Church Cake!
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this — especially all the ladies who bake for church eventsAlice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.
She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.
She said, “Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake.”
So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom … a roll of toilet paper.
She plunked it in and covered it with icing.
The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.
Alice was beside herself.
The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.
After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, “What a beautiful cake!”
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,
“Thank you, I baked it myself.”
The sailor came home from a se...
The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a newborn baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge. "Was it my friend Sam?" he demanded.
"No!" his weeping wife replied.
"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.
"NO !!!" she said even more upset.
"Well which one of my no-good friends did this then?" he asked.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.
Tenses
A teacher says, “Okay, class. Today we're going to be talking about the tenses. If I say ‘I'm beautiful,' which tense is it?”
Little Johnny raises his hand and says, “Obviously past tense, Miss.”
Making money
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
Little Johnny says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
Play chess with bald men
'I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.'
Emo Phillips (February 7 1956-)
Picture: Matthew Simmons/Getty Images
Being Alone
A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone.
One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said "it is quite cold out here can I come in?" the man shouted "NO why don¡¯t you all understand I want to be alone!" and he kicked the snail down the mountain.
One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said,
"What did you do that for?"
Dream
My grandson Jim found a penny in the grass and proudly displayed it to me. "What good is it?" I said, "You cant buy anything with it."
"Yes you can," Jim replied promptly. "You can buy a dream in a wishing well."
Bert always wanted a pair of a...
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought a pair and wore them home.Walking proudly, he sauntered in to the kitchen and said to his wife, Margaret, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off in to the bedroom, undressed and walked back in to the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert. What's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it will be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "And do you know why it's hanging down?"
"Nope. Not a clue," she replied.
"It's hanging down, because it's looking at my new boots!"
And without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a new hat, Bert."
April Fool's Day - Suggestion
Yogurt, Peach, and Apple Disguised as an Egg and Fries
