Popular jokes (5791 to 5805)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
An Irish man walks in to a bar
An Irish man walks in to a bar with bandages all round his feet.His friend asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well," he said, "it all started with a can of soup which said on it 'open can and stand in boiling water for ten minutes'... so i did."
Septic tank cleaner's fa
Septic tank cleaner's favourite video game? Cull of Doody.People who live in glass house
People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.Never read the fine print.There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella,then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequencyin middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybodyhas the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years,we'll have thousands of old ladiesrunning around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortableto cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Living in a n*dist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint,you are probably dead.
Useful Work Tips
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Useful Work TipsHere are some incredibly useful phrases you can use when in the workplace:
If you don't know what it is, call it an 'issue'...
If you don't know how it works, call it a 'process'...
If you don't know whether its worth doing, call it an 'option'...
If you don't know how it could possibly be done call it a 'challenge' or an 'exciting opportunity'...
If you want to confuse people, ask them about 'customers'...
If you don't know how to do something, 'empower' someone else to do it for you...
If you can't take decisions, 'create space' for others to operate...
If you need a decision, call a 'workshop' to 'network' and 'ground
the issue', followed by an 'awayday' to 'position the elephant in the room' and achieve 'buy-in'...
Never criticize or boast, call it 'information sharing'...
Never call something a failure or mistake, its a 'positive learning experience'...
Never argue, have an 'adult conversation'...
Here are some helpful ways to get along at the workplace...
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights...
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt...
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted...
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do...
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before...
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get...
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and wear a lab coat...
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day...
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves...
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it...
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office...
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back...
Everything can be filed under "pending."...
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour...
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy...
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing...
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail...
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it...
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk...
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't...
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done...
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying...
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried...
Following the rules will not get the job done...
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules...
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"...
No matter how much you do, you never do enough...
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong...
Chinese Business Trip
A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids. He went to a shop and found a nice looking CD player. Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, 'What would happened if this does not work?'
The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads, 'GUARANTEE NO SPOILT'.
Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and returns to his hotel. He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it would not even switch on.
He quickly return to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit. When the shopkeeper refused to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of a guarantee.
The shopkeeper then said, 'Brother, you are in China. We read from the right to the left.'
Answering Machine Message 192
Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?When the dictator of North Kor...
When the dictator of North Korea had a sex change, he also changed his name: Kim Un Hung. A woman took her dog to the pa...
A woman took her dog to the parlor for a haircut and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would be fifty dollars, she was outraged. "I only pay thirty for my own haircut," she said. The groomer said, "That may be true, but then you don't bite!"
Chuck Norris invented water....
Chuck Norris invented water.There was a sign han...
“There was a sign hanging in the window of a dry cleaners I passed by. It read: 'So-and-So Dry Cleaners. Working on the same spot for 72 years.'”
It's late, the bartender and a...
It's late, the bartender and a guy are the only ones left in the bar. The guy pushes his empty beer glass over to the edge of the counter, walks to the other end of the bar, and says to the bartender, "If I could spit from here, and get it in the glass without getting any anywhere else, would you give me $50?" The bartender, not seeing how this bet could be cheated, says, "ok, show me." The guy spits and makes it in the glass without getting any on the counter or the floor. The bartender say, "That's amazing! You deserve the $50!"The next day, about noon, the guy's in the bar again, and says to the bartender, if I can do it again, but with 2 glasses side by side, would you give me $100? The bartender agrees, and the guys spits from across the bar and makes it in both glasses, without getting any anywhere else.
The evening rolls around, and the bartender sticks a bunch of glasses all over the bar. He then says to the guy, "if you can spit in all of these glasses at the same time, without getting any anywhere else, I'll give you $200" The guy says, "Sure, but I need a little time to get ready" So after a minute, the guy comes up, and procceds to spit everywhere at lightning speed. The bartender, seeing that the guy has missed ever single cup, jumps up and down for joy, screaming. The guys pays the bartender, and says, "I don't see what you're so happy about, I just bet the guy in the corner $500 that I could spit all over your bar, and you'd be happy about it."
Chuck Norris let the dogs out....
Chuck Norris let the dogs out.
A lawyer is standing in a long...
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?" 
