Popular jokes (5896 to 5910)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Chuck Norris listens to "Requi...
Chuck Norris listens to "Requiem for a Tower" when he eats pancakes.After a particularly poor game...
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about 20 minutes ago?""Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded... "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
Crime of Silence
A friend of mine got kidnapped by a group of mimes...
They did unspeakable things to him!
In high school, two boys, two...
In high school, two boys, two friends (one Spanish and one American), were talking about the grades they received in their classes. American boy: "You got an F in Spanish! How could that happen? Spanish is what you speak at home and stuff."
Spanish boy: "Probably the same way you got an F in English."
Math Teacher
The night before one exam, two students tied one on, (well, actually, tied two on, one each), and managed to sleep through the final. They realized they were in serious trouble, so they agreed to tell the professor that they had a flat tire on the way to the exam.
``No problem." said the Professor, ``Come by my office at 5 P.M. and I'll give you the exam then."
Feeling pretty clever, the students spent the intervening time getting information on the exam from students who had already taken it, and making sure they knew how to do the problems. Coming to the professor's office that evening, they were told, ``Leave your books in my office, and I'll put you in two separate rooms for the exam." They were both ecstatic to see that the Professor had given them the exact same exam taken by the class that morning. However, there was an additional page tacked on the end, upon which was written, "For 50% of the grade, which tire was flat?"
Top 10 things NOT to say to...
Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date1. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."
2. "Show me how you used to spank her."
3. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."
4. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"
5. "I just got my license today."
6. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature."
7. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."
8. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"
9. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob'."
10. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?"
For his final project in a sta...
For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a survey. He chose to find out peoples' favorite pastimes. The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the university.
He knocked on the first door and a man answered.
"Sir, what is your name?" asked the student.
"John."
"Sir, I'm doing a school study and would like to know what is your favorite pastime?"
"Watching bubbles in the bath," came the reply.
He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he came to the next door.
He asked again, "Sir, what is your name?"
"Jeff."
"Sir, Would you please tell me your favorite pastime?"
"Watching bubbles in a bath," was the answer.
Quite amused and confused, he went on to ask a good number of people in the building and all of them had the same pastime..."watching bubbles in a bath".
He left the building and walked across the street where there were several row houses, to continue the survey.
At the first house, he knocks and an attractive girl opens the door.
Our surveyor starts again - "What is your name?"
"Bubbles."
Not Talking To Me
Me to the postman: This empty envelope must be from my sister Charlotte.
Postman: Now why would she send you an empty envelope?
Me: We had an argument, and she's not talking to me..
Great at making Sunday lunches
I told my friend that he'd be great at making Sunday lunches.
Because he's an excellent roaster.
Author: UnstoppablePhoenix /@MasterPhoenix
