Popular jokes (5881 to 5895)

Funny jokes-One eyed pirate

Computer error

A husband and a wife were trying to set up a new password to their computer.

The husband said "Put MYPENIS."

The wife fell on the ground laughing because on screen was an error message...

"Error. Not long enough."

How Much

Hey, cabby! How much to take me to the station?

"Five bucks, sir."

"And how much for my suitcase?"

"No charge for the suitcase, sir."

"Okay. Take the case and I'll walk."

Pilot: Have you ever flown in ...

Pilot: Have you ever flown in a small plane before?

Passenger: No, I have not.

Pilot: Well, here is some chewing gum. It will help to keep your ears from popping.

Pilot (after the plane landed): Did the gum help?

Passenger: Yep. It worked fine. The only trouble is I can’t get the gum out of my ears.

Tina Turner's daughter

Tina Turner's youngest daughter has already been called to the bar. She's a teen attorney.

Oh, the Irony!

Two men are waiting at the gates of heaven and strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly but found her alone watching television. I ran around the house looking for her lover but could find no one. As I ran up the stairs to the attic, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

Co-Worker

Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”

The woman replies: “It’s Frank, the midget.”

There is no theory of evolutio...

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Dictionary and thesaurus

“After he bought a dictionary and thesaurus his life became more meaningful.”

"My fellow Americans, I've si

"My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." -- Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on.
"I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job" -- George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign.
"This is a great day for France!" -- Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral.
"Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? ... I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'" -- George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students.
"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh...setbacks." -- George Bush
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change." -- Dan Quayle
"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here." --Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989.
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind-or not to have a mind. How true that is." -- Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund.
"I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland." -- William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address.
"The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at." -- George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline
"I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me." -- George Bush
"If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the unemployed." -- Ronald Reagan
"Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're going to succeed." -- Ronald Reagan

Book now for the lec...

“Book now for the lecture on the expanding universe because space is limited.”

Recalled Chrstimas Toys

Recalled Christmas Toys

1. Broken Bag-O-Glass
   
   
2. Dr. Kevorkian First Aid Kit
   
   
3. Jeffrey Domhers Easy Bake oven and cookbook
   
   
4. Timothy McVays home Chemistry set
   
   
5. Switchblade Barney
   
   
6. Pork-n-Beany Babies
   
   
7. Make your own moonshine kit
   
   
8. Mike Tyson Doll (with ear biting action)
   
   

Position to pray

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

“Kneeling is definitely best,” claimed one.

“No,” another contended. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”

“You're both wrong,” the third insisted. “The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor.”

The repairman could contain himself no longer.

“Gentlemen,” he interrupted, “the best praying I ever did was hanging upside down from a telephone pole.”

A man walks into a bar and he'...

A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed. The bartender gives him a drink
and asks what the problem is. All he says is, "all lawyers are a*******."
A man sitting in the corner shouts, "I take offense to that!"
The pissed-off guy asks him, "why? Are you a lawyer?"
He replies, "no, Iam

Little Johnny and the teacher

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I".

Little Johnny: I is...

Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say "I am."

Little Johnny: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.