Popular jokes (5866 to 5880)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Funny jokes-One eyed pirate
The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!"
His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about you hand. Did you lose it at the same time?"
"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."
Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?"
The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye."
The land-lubber asked: "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"
The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook."
What Should They Get?
Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes:"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer.
With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, "A lawyer!"
Late night phone calls were a
Late night phone calls were a part of my up ringing.Getting a Cake
Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."
Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"
Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"
Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"
The math teacher saw that Daph...
The math teacher saw that Daphne wasn't paying attention in class.She called on her and said, "Daphne! What are 2 and 4, and 28 and 44?"
Daphne quickly replied, "ABC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
What do you do?
"What do you do?" a young man asked the beautiful girl he was dancing with. "I'm a nurse."
"I wish I could be ill and let you nurse me," he whispered in her ear.
"That would be miraculous. I work on the maternity ward."
Meals in Heaven
Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away,the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of Heaven.
"Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.
"I could eat," said Seymour. The Lord opened a can of tuna,
and they shared it.
While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell
and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks,
pheasant, pastries and vodka.
The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he was hungry,
and Seymour again said, "I could eat." Once again, a can of
tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed
a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy and
chocolates.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna
was opened. Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to
be in Heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this
is Heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the
Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand."
"To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two
people, does it pay to cook?"
Wish granted???
A couple had been married for 35 years, and the pair was also celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them each one wish.
The wife said she wanted to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waved her magic wand and BOOM! The wife had the tickets in her hand.
Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said boldly, "Well, I'd like to have a wife 30 years younger than I." The fairy godmother picked up her wand and BOOM! He was now 90.
You know your getting older when...
1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting 'lucky' means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
A man was walking in the stree...
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked... "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
Little Johnny and the teacher
Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I".
Little Johnny: I is...
Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say "I am."
Little Johnny: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
A Temperamental Couple
My wife and I are a temperamental couple...
I’ve got a temper and she’s mental.
One day a farmer decided...
One day a farmer decided that he wanted to expand his chicken farm. In order to do this he needed a stud rooster. He asked around his fellow farmers and the general consensus was that the best rooster was from a far away town. His name was Randy.
The farmer went to this far away town and met with Randy's owner. The owner confirmed that Randy was indeed the best, but would come at an expensive price. After much deliberation, the farmer decided to invest in Randy.
When the farmer got home, he sat down with Randy and explained what he needed and told him that while he expected Randy to perform, he also expected Randy to pace himself. The farmer released Randy in the hen house and Randy went wild.
Feathers where flying and Randy was servicing every hen in the house. The farmer reiterated to Randy the necessity of pace. The next day, Randy not only went flying through the hen house, but also went after the dog, the cat, the sheep, a fox and several other accessible animals. The farmer was outraged.
"Randy" he said, "You can't possibly last at this pace." "Slow down, I need you for a long time."
Well, the next day, the inevitable happened. Randy was lying in the field looking like death was soon coming. Buzzards were circling around and slowly getting closer.
The farmer watched his dying investment and then went up to Randy and said "How could you? I asked you to pace yourself and now you're a spent force."
Slowly, Randy opened one eye and pointed to the sky saying "Shh... they're getting closer."
