Popular jokes (5851 to 5865)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Forever Friends
On New Year's Eve, Patty stood up in the local bar and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted everyone to be standing next to the one person who made their life worth living.
As the clock struck 12, chaos erupted as the bartender was almost crushed to death.
The Hole
The construction foreman ordered one of his men to dig a hole 8 feet deep. But after the job was done, the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered the worker.
The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.
"Honestly!" the foreman snorted. "The kind of help I get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"
Need Light
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.
The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"
"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."
The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"
"What? And work in the dark?"
Refrigerator Man
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!''''I wouldn't worry too much about it,'' the doctor replies. 'Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.''
''But you don't understand,'' the woman insists. ''He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.''
Saving Life
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" The young man blurted out.
"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"
The professor stared at the student for a long time. "Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."
A man goes into a seafood rest...
A man goes into a seafood restaurant and sees a sign that reads: "Big Red Lobster Tails - $1." Amazed at the value of the offer, he calls a waitress over. "Excuse me," he said. "Is that sign correct?"
"Yes sir," she replied. "It's today's special offer."
"Fantastic," said the man. "But are you sure they're not small?"
"Oh no sir, I can assure you that they are very big."
"Are they out of date then?"
"No, no sir, they are fresh in this morning."
"Well in that case, here's my $1. Fill me up."
The waitress took the $1 coin, sat down beside him and said, "Once upon a time, there was a big red lobster..."
Where is the center of gravity...
Where is the center of gravity? At the letter "V".How God Created the Computer
In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero; nothing.On the first day, He toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals didn't yet exist.)
On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn't. God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day ( and his first all-nighter ) reconstructing the universe.
On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!" And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized the the "new and improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit, or the Sign bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honored.
On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical shift' instructions. And the original bit discovered that by performing a single shift instruction, it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security.
On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of the ALU, with wonderful features, and said "Screw that add and shift stuff. Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good.
On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines, register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday.
On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced UNIX into the Universe, and it hasn't worked right since.
Chuck Norris let the dogs out....
Chuck Norris let the dogs out.Tour Bus Driver
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of old aged pensioners when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands the driver another handful of peanuts.
When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks her "Why don't you eat the peanuts?"
"We can't chew them because we have no teeth", she replied.
"We just love the chocolate around them."
Steven Wright 21
If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!What do batteries run on?
Are there any questions?
I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.
I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.
[Later] I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it... Just checking.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
Need to be dismissed
A man who was chosen for jury duty really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench. "Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty!' So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!"
With a tired annoyance the judge replied: "Get back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant's lawyer."
