Popular jokes (5926 to 5940)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
You're doing just fine w...
You're doing just fine without an Irish accent. If it ain't brogue don't fix it.Freud's patient
One of Sigmund Freud's early patients rushed out into an Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a coffee house.
Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst out crying.
Her friend begged her to share what was wrong.
"Oh, it's just terrible," she wailed. "Today the doctor told me I'm in love with my father, and. . .and. . .and you know, he's a married man!"
George, their leader, a big bu
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, got off his Harley, walked through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and said,"Hey Baby, whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She answered tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either, so he asked, "Well, before you jump, Honey Babe, why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
With no hesitation she leaned back over the railing and did just that, and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss, followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George got a big thumbs-up approval from his biker buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then said, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
A mother, accompanied by her s...
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"
The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."
The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud...They're hookers!"
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"
The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"
John Paul and Lizzy
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below.
The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth,
'I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand.'
The Pope says, 'No way. You can't do that.'
The Queen says, 'Watch this.' So she waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union jacks on sticks and cheering and basically going ballistic.
So the Pope is standing there going, 'Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it.'
So he thinks for a minute and then he turns to her and says, 'I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head.'
The Queen says, 'No way. It can't be done.'
So the Pope head butts her.
Diaper change...
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.
"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby...!"
A lady is walking down the str...
A lady is walking down the street to work and see's a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "hey lady, you are really ugly."Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager appologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "hey lady."
She paused and said," yes?"
The bird said, "you know."
Keep the change
An elderly couple visits their grown-up grandson one night. While in the bathroom, Grandpa discovers a bottle of Viagra in his grandson's medicine cupboard.
"I don't think you should take one of those," says the grandson when his grandpa asks him about them: "They're pretty expensive."
"How much?" asks the old timer.
"$20 a pill," replies the grandson.
"I'd still like to try one," says the old man: "Before we go in the morning I'll leave the money under the pillow in the guest room."
The next day the grandson goes into the guest room, and lifts the pillow to find $120. Puzzled, he calls his grandpa. "Grandpa, I told you the pills were $20 each!" he says.
"I know," says the old man: "The extra $100 is from your grandma!"
Sales Help
"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl. "But I don't know her size."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.
"Why yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.
"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs some lingerie."
Funny jokes-Senior management
"Well" says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust a Senior Manager."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
POOF The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
POOF The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."
POOF He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story?
If a Senior Manager offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
I wanted to take hom...
“I wanted to take home the left-overs from the BBQ, but someone else foiled my plans.”
A blonde, brunette, and redhea...
A blonde, brunette, and redhead went to a church to donate money. The brunette draws a circle around her and throws up all her money.She says that whatever lands inside the circle is for God, and whatever lands outside of the circle she keeps.
The redhead then draws a line, stands on it, and throws up all of her money. She said that whatever lands on the right side of the line is for God, and whatever lands on the left side she keeps.
The blonde throws up her money, and yells,"God, whatever you catch is yours, and whatever you don't I get to keep."
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, ...
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock!
We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" ....
"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."
Praying and Sleeping
Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life.
The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City.
St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward.
St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O'Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward.
Father O'Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff?
St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father O'Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!
