Popular jokes (5956 to 5970)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
A screaming, yelling mob were
A screaming, yelling mob were tearing up the High Street.A policeman stops one runner, and asks, "What's happening?"
"A lion has escaped," he gasps.
"Which way did it go?" enquires the bobby.
"Well we're not bloody chasing it!"
A man who was having heart tro...
A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object. "I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. It's $500,000."
"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"
"Yes, but it's from a lawyer. It's never been used."
Colin Quinn: New Yorkers Take a Compliment
You can always tell who was raised in New York by how they take a compliment when theyre an adult. Nice haircut. Screw you. Whats wrong with it? Jobs at the food company...
One day, three unemployed factory workers heard that a large food company was enlarging and needed more staff. So they went downtown to see if they could get themselves a job.
After filing out their applications, each one was interviewed and each one managed to get hired. As they were waiting to be assigned their new duties, a foreman came by and spoke to the hiring boss.
The foreman told the boss that he didn't think it was such a good idea as one of the workers had snapped for no apparent reason at his last job.
Also a second was said to have had cracked up after severe mental stress.
The third, he believed was their father who he felt was a bit odd but he couldn't put his finger on it.
The hiring boss reassured the foreman and said that they would start on something easy and after a week, the company would re-assess them to see if they would be kept on.
The foreman reluctantly agreed and asked the boss where he thought they should start.
The boss replied, "Why not take them and put them in our Cereal Division...Snap, Crackle and Pop should work out fine down there."
A guy gets set up on a blind d...
A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order. The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much.
She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, "What do you suggest I wash it down with?"
"Well my dear, how about the Mississippi river?"
Why Isn't the Line Moving? – From the Blonde Files
At a store, a Blonde lady stood in line waiting to pay for her items.
Three men stood before her in the line. After 15 minutes she realized that the line wasn't moving at all.
She shouted at the cashier, 'Is this line going to take all day long?'
The cashier replied, 'Please step aside ma'am and come here. You are standing behind three mannequins.'
Do you know who I am....
President George W. Bush decides it is time to do some public relations at a local Washington DC nursing home. The President begins his "tour" down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn't seem to notice him.
Sensing this, President Bush backtracks to the resident and asks, "Do you know who I am?"
The little old man looks up from his walker and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they will tell you your name."
Chelsea Peretti: Getting Attacked
I always think, what would I do if someone tried to get me? My first thought is just something dumb, like Id try to pick my nose and just be gross. In my mind a rapist is just some white hat frat boy whod just be like, Ugh nasty, forget it. Learn some manners.The interested doctor
A concerned woman phones a doctor and says, "Doctor, I'm worried about my husband. He thinks he's a dog!"
"I'm coming over right away," the doctor says.
When the doctor arrives, the woman opens the door, and her husband, on all four, starts wagging his bottom and licking the doctor's hand.
"Interesting", the doctor says, startled. "I'll examine him. Make him lie down on the sofa."
"Doctor", the woman says, "I can't! He's not allowed the sofa!"
Two Dwarfs in a Bar
Two dwarfs are sitting in a bar talking about women and beer when a couple of prostitutes stide up to them."Like any buisness tonight?"
They ask, making sure their ample clevages are showing.
"Ay! Allright" Of course obviously they are scottish...
"Just so happens we have two rooms in the hotel accross road" The first dwarf, 'Malcolm' says.
They cross the road and go up to their hotel rooms which are situated next to each other. Dwarf number 2 'Jimmy' as he likes to be called sits on the bed with his partner for the night.
"Ahhh....has been a long time since I have enjoyed such a woman as yourself" Jimmy tells his new found friend. But to his disgust he has great problems trying to get "lil' Jimmy" to cooperate.... To make the situation worse he can hear Malcolm in the next room....
"ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! MMMWWAWWAAAAA!!" Obviously he is having far greater success... In fact at this point in time Jimmy is thinking, Malcolm is the God of sex... Capable of arousing and giving almost painful pleasure any woman.
Next morning Jimmy walks across the road the bar for an early pint to drown his sorrows in. but sitting at the counter is Malcolm.
"Ahhhh...hello Malcolm, what an appauling night...Lil' Jimmy wasnt playing along" says the dwarf...
"Hah!!" says Malcolm.
"It's fine for you. I couldnt even get on the bed!!"
Fathers Then and Now
Fathers Then and NowFathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:
In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.
In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.
Today, it's the size of his minivan.
In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.
In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.
In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.
In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.
In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.
If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.
In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."
In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."
In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.
Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."
In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"
In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.
Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.
In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."
Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."
In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.
Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.
In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.
Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."
In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters' suitors with shotguns if the girl came home late.
Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"
Play Your Age
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in ‘Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims,
“What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?”
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests,
“I don't know… why don't you play your age?”
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Thinking Maybe she'd won, he rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.
The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”
The operator replies, “I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!”
Thirsty
A very thirsty man goes into a bar.
As he waits to get the bartender's attention, a regular sitting next to him calls out, "I'll have another waterloo."
The bartender gives the regular a tall ice cold drink and asks the newcomer what he would like. The thirsty man points to the man next to him and says, "I guess I'll have what he's having, a waterloo."
So the bartender brings the newcomer a tall ice cold drink. The man takes a long deep drink and calls out, "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"
The regular bar patron sitting next to him says, "It is water. That's all I drink," He turns to the bartender and says, "Right Lou?"
