Popular jokes (5956 to 5970)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Two engineering students meet...
Two engineering students meet on campus one day.The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey -- Nice bike!Where did you get it?""Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class theother day when this pretty, young co-ed rides up onthis bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes,and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!!' "
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn'thave fit you anyway."
A man who was having heart tro...
A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object. "I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. It's $500,000."
"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"
"Yes, but it's from a lawyer. It's never been used."
Mike Birbiglia: Mike Birbiglia
Ive been listening to this rapper, Busta Rhymes. Sometimes hell say a really good rhyme, and hell say his name afterwards. Hell be like, Cat in the hat, and that was that -- Busta Rhymes. I really like that. Id like to do that with jokes. Like, I like drinking coffee, but if I ever reach a point in my life where the best part of waking up is Folgers in my cup, Im not sure I wanna wake up -- Mike Birbiglia.A Georgia State Trooper pulled
A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles southof the Georgia/South Carolina state line.When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driveranswered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way toSavannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.
The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him aticket.
The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment onahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of hispatrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that hecould, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to thejuggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind thepatrol car.
A drunk good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performancebriefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door andgot in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrolcar, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, causethere's no way in hell I can pass that test."
Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
A nervous passenger decided to
A nervous passenger decided to purchase flight insurance at the ticket counter. She had some time before the flights departure, so she stopped in a Chinese restaurant in the concourse. She started to shake as she read her fortune cookie: “today’s investment will pay big dividends!”Paul F. Tompkins: Name in Print
I do not understand why people write letters to magazines. It accomplishes nothing; its pointless. [If] you want to see your name in print that bad, write on a piece of paper and look at it: Ah, there it is. Just as I always dreamed. I just need to make it
I just need to make it to 34 and I’ve beaten Jesus at living.
Sarah Millican (May 29 1975-)
Picture: BBC
A Beautiful Thing
My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. "I got in a tiff with Riley."
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
"Aye, that I did, Mrs. Riley's tit," Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight."
On the first day of school...
On the first day of school, Peter handed his new teacher a note from his mother. The teacher unsealed the note, read it, looked at Peter with a frown, and placed the note inside a desk drawer. “So what did she write?” Peter asked. “It’s a disclaimer.” “A what?” “It says, ‘ The opinions expressed by Peter are not necessarily those of his mother or father,’”
“Every Christmas I wo
“Every Christmas I would look for sooty footprints near our fireplace. I was looking for Santa clues.”
Getting Into Fights
They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other.Instead, they were giving each other written notes.
One evening he gave her a paper where it said:
"Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am."
The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock.
Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying:
"Wake up, it's 6 o'clock!"
For their anniversary, a coupl...
For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting.When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"
"I suppose," the husband responded dryly, "we could clean the house."
