Popular jokes (6241 to 6255)

Clean St. Patrick's Day Jokes

An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!" The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken." The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?" "Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."

Casey and Riley agreed to settle their dispute by a fight, and it was understood that whoever wanted to quit should say "Enough." Casey got Riley down and was hammering him unmercifully when Riley called out several times, "Enough!" As Casey paid no attention, but kept on administering punishment, a bystander said, "Why don't you let him up? Don't you hear him say that he's had enough?" "I do," says Casey, "but he's such a liar, you can't believe him.

Morning Wood

*** COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING ***

(the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally

walked into the men's restroom):

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's

washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him.

Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever

hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom,

start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so

I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is

that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go

into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used,

take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still

manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his

left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya

those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no

longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am

required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this

is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the

toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked

toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot

to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about,

but because you and I have become such good friends and you

think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you

because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be

understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous

desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds

with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that

thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell,

if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the

wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women

insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat

covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So

that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat

and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that

perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the

guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get

the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You

jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat

stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that

compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning

that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack

off your

weenie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's

just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning

situation to my wife. I told her . . . look, it won't bend.

She said, "sit down like I told you to do

all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the

toilet with "morning wood".

Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat,

and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath

towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you

are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the

toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from

the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top

of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it

runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching

fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of

the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this

morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman

position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal

of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but

it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl

during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally

to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and

bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just

get beyond our control.

It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.

Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a

problem!!!

Calling It a Day

God: "Whew, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on earth."
Angel: "Oh yeah? What are you going to do now?"
God: "I think I'll call it a day."

One of Life's Lessons

While preaching about forgiving ones enemies, the preacher asked for a show of hands of those who were willing to forgive their enemies. About half of the congregation raised their hands. The minister continued his lection and again asked for a show of hands. This time, 80 percent of his congregation raised their hands. Not giving up, the minister continued for fifteen more minutes. When he again asked for a show of hands, all members—except one—raised their hands.
"Mr. Jones,” asked the minster, “are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
"I don't have any.”
Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. I know you are 86-years-old. Would you please come down to the front and explain to all of us how you have lived so long without making a single enemy in the world?”
Mr. Jones teetered to the front and briefly explained, “Its easy. Ive outlived every one of them.”

Cat Jokes 03

Q: What looks like half a cat?
A: The other half!

Q: What was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater?

A: 'Claws.'
Q: If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, What's a tiger?

A: A stri-ped!

Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep?

A: A stripey sweater!

Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?

A: 'Pleased to eat you.'!

Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman?

A: Frostbite!

Q: What did the lions say to his cubs when he taught them to hunt?

A: 'Don't go over the road till you see the zebra crossing.'
Q: What is lion's favorite food?

A: Baked beings!

TIME

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

“Yes?”

“Excuse me, sir,” the jogger said, “do you have the time?”

The man looked at the car clock and answered, “8:15″. The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.

“Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?”

“8:25!”

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, “I do not know the time!”

Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

“Sir, sir? It's 8:45!”

Clean jokes-Potatoes

Toothbrush

Where was the toothbrush invented?

Mississippi.

If it would've been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.

A doctor and his wife...

A doctor and his wife are having an argument in the morning over breakfast and the doctor blurts out, "You know what? You're not that great in bed anyways!"

So he goes off to work and thinks it over and decides to call his wife and make amends.....

So he calls the house and the phone rings many, many times and then his wife finally answers the phone completely out of breath....

So the doctor says, "What were you doing?" and she says, "l was in bed!" and the doctor says, "What were you doing in bed so late in the day?"

The wife says, "getting a second opinion!"

What has four legs...

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A pool table.

Penis Comparison

The kings of Spain, France, and England all stand on stage together in front of their nations all ready to see who of the three has the largest penis.

The king of Spain takes his out and as they all see the impressive proportions all the Spanish people shout: "Viva Espania!"

The king of France is next and as his is even larger, all the French scream: "Vive la France!"

Next comes the king of England, and just as he drops his pants and takes his out, everyone exclaims: "God save the Queen!"

Submitted by Glaci

Edited by Curtis

Buckwheat

Buckwheat of the Little Rascals fame grew up, became a Muslim, and changed his name. He now goes by Kareem of Wheat.

Baseball In Heaven

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day.

Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.

One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

Kyle Kinane: This Is America

This is America. It is my God given right to be loudly opinionated about something I am completely ignorant of.

Jesus loves you...but everyone

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.
Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"
Everyone has a photographic memory ...some just don't have any film.
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!
Welcome to America ...now speak English