Popular jokes (6391 to 6405)

Two Priests on Vacation

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.

The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a “drop dead gorgeous” blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father” – “Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning, Father,” “Good morning Father,” and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. “Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?”

“Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!”

Once, a gay man went to heaven...

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Peter decided to let him in. "Follow me." he said, opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Peter's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint Peter was furious. "If you do that again, you'll go straight to hell! Follow me, we're almost there."

After some more Peter dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance. Again they walk and for the third time Peter drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him.

Peter is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell. A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off. "Why is it so god damn cold down here?" Peter asks.

"Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.

What is a question with a d...

Q: What is a question with a different answer every time you're asked?
A: "What time is it?"

The old man and the priest...

An old man from way out in the boondocks made it to new York and got on the subway. He sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar, so he asked the man, "Excuse me, sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"

The young man smiled kindly and answered, "I wear this collar because I am a Father."

The old man thought a second and responded, "Sir, I am also a father, but I wear my collar frontways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?"

The priest thought for a minute, and said, "I am the Father for many."

The old man quickly answered, "I too am the father of many. I have six sons, five daughters and many grandchildren. But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear yours backwards?"

The priest, flustered, said impatiently,

"Sir, I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people."

The old man, taken aback, sat silently for a long time. As he got up to leave the subway car, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."

One evening a father overheard...

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."
Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.
A month later the father heard his sony saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little woried about the whole situation.
One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."
This nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he appologised to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."
"You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

A Yogi Walked into a Pizza Parlor…

What did the Yogi say when he walked into the Zen Pizza Parlor?"Make me one with everything."When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill. The Yogi said "Don't I get change?"The proprietor said, "Change must come from within."

Dog Competition

There once was a dog show to determine the world's smartest dog. Three dogs were in the finals. One dog belonged to a doctor. One dog belonged to an engineer. And, one dog belonged to a lawyer.

For the finals each dog was given a bag of bones to see what it could make.

The doctor said, "Stethascope, go!" The dog built a human skeleton.

The judges were ready to award the trophy right then. But, they decided to give the other dogs a try.

The engineer said, "Slide-rule, go!" (So, its an old joke.) The dog built a suspension bridge.

The judges were beside themselves. Which dog would they pick?

The lawyer said.

"Loop-hole, go!" The dog ate the bones, got a percentage of all the tolls from the bridge and screwed the other two dogs.

A man walks into a bar with hi...

A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator. He asks the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?” “Yes, we do!”
“Good. Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my alligator.”

A Scottish cat, aka a

A Scottish cat, aka a plaid o'puss.

Baiting

A truck driver hauling a load of computers stops for dinner.

As he approaches the door, he sees a big sign on the door saying, "NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"

He goes in and sits down.

The waiter comes over to him, sniffs, and says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

The man says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling.

The waiter says, "OK, truck drivers are not nerds," and takes his order.

As he is eating, a skinny guy walks in with tape on his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.

The waiter, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the nerdy guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The waiter said, "Not to worry. The nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license," he said.

So the truck driver finishes his meal, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts.

The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.

They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load.

So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by yisman

It's been my life l...

“It's been my life long vision to become an optometrist, but I just couldn't see a way to make it happen.”

five surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

Boyfriend 4.0

Last year, many women upgraded their BOYFRIEND 3.1 to

BOYFRIEND PLUS 1.0

(marketing name: FIANCE 1.0) and then further upgraded

FIANCE 1.0 to

HUSBAND 1.0. They found that 1.0 is a memory hogger and

incompatible to

many other programs in their lives. HUSBAND 1.0 includes

plug-ins such

as MOTHER-IN-LAW, BROTHER-IN-LAW, and ANNOYING LOSER FRIENDS

although

market research has clearly shown that they are unnecessary

and

unwanted.

The upcoming BOYFRIEND 4.0 will change all that. Created by

leading

experts in the field and based upon years of research and

classroom

lectures, it includes the best of the old features, such as

the HANDYMAN

FUNCTION, and includes many new functions such as the

OPTIONAL

COMMITMENT FEATURE. Other immature functions, such as BEER

GUZZLING and

CAT CALLING have been removed, though they can still be

found on FRATBOY

1.1

BOYFRIEND 4.0 will include:

- An AUTOMATIC REMINDER BUTTON AND PAY ATTENTION FEATURE (so

I don't

have to repeat myself)

- MINIMIZE BUTTON

- SHUTDOWN FEATURE

- SHOPPING FUNCTION

- A BACK-UP ENERGY SUPPLY, so it won't fall asleep after sex

- A LAUNDRY, COOKING, & HOUSECLEANING FUNCTION

- DIAPER-CHANGING FUNCTION, for the more advanced users

- A SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE, so once it's uninstalled it

won't come back

- A MONOGAMY FEATURE

- AUTOMATIC OVERRIDE that kicks in right before they're

about to say

ANYTHING even remotely stupid

Ganesh and the Lotto

Bholaji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask Ganesh for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray.
“Oh Ganesh, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.”
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Bholaji goes back to the temple. "Ganesh please let me win the lotto. I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.”Lotto night comes and Bholaji still has no luck. Back to the temple he goes. "My Ganesh, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?"

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and Bholaji is confronted by the voice of God: "Bholaji, buy a lottery ticket first."

Lightbulb Joke Collection 94

Q: How many archaeologists does does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is.
Q: How many preservation society members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb so it'll be architecturally accurate.
Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going "To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right..."
Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to say, "In 1876, Jules Verne had the first intimations that electrostatic power was a viable energy alternative. Hitherto, the only sources ..."
Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, lightbulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.
Q: How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to Fouriev transform the lightbulb, one to apply a complex exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse transform the removed lightbulb.
Q: How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, you know.
Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. It's all relative.