Popular jokes (646 to 660)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Really funny jokes-Persevere!
As he finished his meal, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE!
So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled.
The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills.
Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for.
The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one.”*
Divorce Letter
Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good…!!! I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a girl!” but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99… After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed: Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem
If my memory was any worse
Is swear if my memory was any worse i could plan my own surprise party. Six Feet
Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. "Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"
"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he ain't gonna notice you here with me." The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice. Sure enough, Marge's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.
"Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."
Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."
The husband got out of bed, and counted. "One, two, three, four... By gosh, you're right, dear!"
Pussy vs Cunt
What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?A pussy is warm soft and wonderful and a cunt's the thing that owns it.
Kia vs Rolls-Royce
A man driving a Kia stops at a traffic light next to a Rolls-Royce.
The Kia driver rolls down his window and calls out to the Rolls-Royce driver, "Hey, pal, that's an impressive car. Does your Rolls have Wi-Fi? My Kia does!"
The Rolls-Royce driver replies, "Yes, it has Wi-Fi."
The Kia driver continues, "Nice! And do you have a fridge in there? I have a fridge in the backseat of my Kia!"
The Rolls-Royce driver, getting irritated, responds, "Yes, there's a refrigerator."
Not backing down, the Kia driver asks, "That's cool, man! What about a TV? I've got a TV in my Kia's backseat!"
The Rolls-Royce driver, increasingly annoyed, says, "Yes, there's a television. A Rolls-Royce is the epitome of luxury vehicles!"
The Kia driver says, "Amazing car! But, do you have a bed in there? I've got a bed in the back of my Kia!"
Frustrated that his car lacks a bed, the Rolls-Royce driver speeds off. He heads straight to the dealership and orders a bed to be installed in his Rolls. The following morning, he picks up his car, and the bed looks fantastic, complete with silk sheets and elegant brass accents. It's undoubtedly a bed suited for a Rolls-Royce.
The Rolls-Royce driver spends the entire day searching for the Kia. Finally, late that night, he spots the Kia parked with fogged-up windows. He gets out of his Rolls-Royce and knocks on the Kia's window. At first, there's no response, but then the owner pokes his head out, dripping wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the Rolls-Royce driver declares smugly.
The Kia driver replies, "Did you really drag me out of the shower just to tell me that?!"
I don’t have an amazing figure or a flat stomach
I don’t have an amazing figure or a flat stomach. I’m far from being considered a model but, I’m me. I eat food. I have curves. I have more fat than I should. I have scars because I have a history. Some people love me, some like me, some hate me. I have done good. I have done bad. I love my Pj’s and I go without makeup and sometimes don’t get my hair done. I’m random and sometimes I say crazy things. I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not. I am who I am, you can love me or not. I won’t change! And if I love you…I do it with all my Heart! I make no apologies for who I am. Night vs Morning
Night vs Morning. At night: I can't sleep. In the morning: I can't wake up. One Train Hears Another
How does a train hear another train coming?
With its engineers.
🥕 Carrot Day Jokes – 10 Crunchy Laughs for April 4th!
April 4th is International Carrot Day, and we're celebrating the funniest root in the veggie patch! Whether you're a fan of puns or just here for the laughs, these carrot jokes will have you peeling with laughter.
Why do sailors eat so many carrots?It helps them sea better!
Why was the programmer eating carrots?
So that they could C#!
How do carrots pay their bills?
With celery.
Check out some older carrot jokes 🥕
Why did the carrot go to therapy?
It had too many deep-rooted issues.
What did the carrot say during a job interview?
“I’m very well-rounded and great with stew-dents.”
How do you make gold soup?
Put 24 carrots in it! Why was the carrot a terrible musician?
Because it always lost its beat in the stew.
What did the baby carrot say after a long day?
"I'm totally steamed."
What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot?
Get out of my face!
How do carrots stay fit?
They do carrot-te.
A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of 21-year-old whiskey...
A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of 21-year-old whiskey. He takes a sip, then immediately spits it out.
“I asked for a 21-year-old whiskey! This is only 18 years. I’m not paying for this! Bring me a 12-year-old cognac instead.”
The bartender complies, but again, the man spits it out.
“This is only 10 years old! I’m not paying for that either!”
Frustrated after several rounds of the same routine, the bartender pours another drink and says,
"This one’s on the house."
The man takes a sip, spits it out once more.
"This tastes like piss!"
The bartender sighs and replies,
"Alright, genius, now guess how old I am?"
The Old Nephew
My 7 year-old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans.
I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but... look at the phones that kids your age are making in China!"
