Popular jokes (6781 to 6795)

That seat is reserved

A man on the train said: "That seat is reserved." I said: "Well, it's been very forward with me." Pulled up my pants and went on my way.

Lou Sanders

Picture: BBC

That wife of mine is a liar...

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
"So?"
"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

Paintings

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.
"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"
With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

Wisdom or Wealth?

An angel appeared at a faculty meeting and told the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord would reward him for his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selected infinite wisdom.
Done!” said the angel and disappeared in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Then all heads turned toward the dean who sat surrounded by a faint halo of light. He seemed stunned and shocked as a cloud of silence encompassed the room.
One of his colleagues leaned over and whispered to him, “Say something.”
The dean, now filled with infinite wisdom said, “I should have taken the money.”

A group

A group of transsexuals left the Church in protest, deciding instead to start their own religious group. They bought an old abandoned building and converted it for their services. For their hymns and music they even restored a grand set of pipes…. Needless to say the members of the First Tranny Church were delighted to play with their new sect's organs.

One day two very loving parent

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".
Their son walked in and said, "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied, "Ladies and gentlemen".
The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said, "Feel my titties" and the man said, "Feel my d*ck".
Their son walked in and asked, "What does titties and d*ck mean?" and the parents replied, "Hats and coats".
On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself. "Shit," he said. The kid came in and asked, "What's that mean?" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.
Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "F*ck" she said. Once again the kid asked, "What's that mean?" The mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.
Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said, "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your d*cks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen f**king the turkey!"

In Love

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With YOU!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"    

Hunters Must Keep Quiet

Joe takes his friend Steve hunting for the first time and reminds him to be still and keep quiet.
An hour into the woods, Joe hears Steve screaming behind him. I thought I told you to be quiet! says Joe.
Hey, I kept quiet when the snake bit me, says Steve, and I was quiet when the fox attacked me. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg just now, I heard one ask the other, Should we eat them now or take them with us?

A new apartment...

Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home".

Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.

"Johnatahan," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath."

"Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains...."

Truth or Fiction

Language is and always will be an essential element in the struggle for understanding among peoples. Changes in the words and phrases we use to describe each other reflect whatever progress we make on the path toward a world where everyone feels respected and included.

Over the years the following story has been repeated numerous times.
President John F. Kennedy was having a chat with Martin Luther King Jr. about  words to use to replace the N word, Negro and Colored People and JFK asked MLK.Jr:
“How about the words People of Color?”
As it was told, MLK.Jr. replied as follows;
“When I was born, I was black.”
“When I grow up, I will be black”.
“When I go in sun at the beach, I’m still black”.
'When I am cold, I am still black'.
“When I’m scared, I’m black”.
“When I’m sick, I’m black”.
“And when I die, I will still be black”.

He went on to say:
“Now white people”:
“When you’re born, you’re pink”.
“When you grow up, you’re white”.
“When you go in sun, you get tan, red and sometimes purple”.
“When you’re cold, you turn blue”.
“When you scared, you turn yellow”.
“When you sick, you get green”.
“And when you die, you turn grey”.
So, with an enigmatic smile MLK, Jr. said 'Mr. President, I am not quite sure that People of Color is entirely accurate!
.......... But, it’s probably the least offensive'.

 

For a pun about blind dates, t

For a pun about blind dates, the best part is the set up.

School Notes

These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi School District. (Spellings have been left intact.)

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

New drugs for men...

With Viagra being such a great medical success for increasing men's sexual prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.

Here are a few of the new ones:

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving oncar trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directionswhen they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were farmore likely to actually finish a household repair project beforestarting a new one.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent ofmiddle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported asudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewellery and giftsafter taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whetherthe drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect ofmaking men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxiousintestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise intreating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

Ballerina Costumes

“Costumes are very important for a ballerina. She keeps them in her special tulle box.”

Husband Calling

Mick's wife was furiously humping away with her husband's best mate, Peter, when suddenly the phone rang. She hopped out of bed and returned to the sweaty sheet after a brief conversation.
"Who was it?" the back stabbing buddy asked.
"Oh, that was Mick," she replied calmly.
"Oh crap, I'd better be going then!" he said. "Did Mick say where he was?"
"Relax -- he's down at the pub playing a few games of pool with you."