Popular jokes (6766 to 6780)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
A screaming, yelling mob were
A screaming, yelling mob were tearing up the High Street.A policeman stops one runner, and asks, "What's happening?"
"A lion has escaped," he gasps.
"Which way did it go?" enquires the bobby.
"Well we're not bloody chasing it!"
Mike Birbiglia: Brakes on an Orgy
Im not the kind of guy who has a huge weight problem, but I am the kind of guy who could really put the brakes on an orgy. Everyone would be like, Was he invited? Why is he eating a cake? Ive never been in an orgy. I feel like itd be like what happens when I try and play pick-up basketball. Like, no one passes me the ball; everyone asks me to keep my shirt on.Chuck Norris hears sign langua...
Chuck Norris hears sign language.Where Rock Stars Go When They Die
When Jerry Garcia died, he woke up and found himself on a stage on which a number of instruments were set up. A door offstage opened and in walked Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, John Lennon, Otis Redding and Buddy Holly.
Each musician picked up his favorite instrument and began tuning up.
Jerry walked up to Jimi and said, "Man, so this is what heaven is like."
Jimi looked at him and said, "Heaven? You think this is heaven?"
At that moment, Karen Carpenter walked in, took her seat behind the drums, and called out, "Okay guys, 'Close to You.' One, two, three, four!"
Guidance Counselor: " Where ...
Guidance Counselor: " Where do you see yourself in ten years?"Student: " In a mirror...duh."
Exciting Period
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''
''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
Where No Man has gon
Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole as their older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend.They hear her say, "Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has gone before!"
The six-year-old says to his brother, "He must be fucking her up the ass!"
Buttercups and Golf Balls
Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden, POOF!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life... better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!'
Then POOF!... she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'
Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'
Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred!' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'
Falling down drunk...
Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second man says, "What are you a nut? There's no way that could happen."
The first man responds, "No it's true. Let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The second guy tells him, "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one-time fluke."
The first guy says, "No, I'll prove it again," and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
The second man thinks, "Well why not? It works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat!'
Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real mean drunk."
April Fools' Day Pranks - Picture This
Take a screenshot of the desktop of Dad's computer, and leave the image open. Sit back and let him freak out for a few minutes, believing the computer is frozen. Superman
This guy walks into a bar. It was on the second floor.He sits down and another guy walks up to him. He was dead drunk.
He said, "I betcha I can jump out that thar winder and come right back up."
The other guy said, "Yeah right." Well, the guy jumped out the window.
"Oh my god, he actually did it," said the other guy. The drunk guy seemed to float right back up to the top.
"How did you do that?"
"Well, the air currents hitting the building slowly pushed me back up to the top, you wanna try it?"
"Alright, get out of the way!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" SPLAT
The drunk guy walked and sat down at the bar. The bartender said, "Damn it Superman, you're mean when you're drunk!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
