Popular jokes (6766 to 6780)

A Hole Problem

The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.
The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.
The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"

Discussing The Tax Rates

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

Maybe I Do Like Your Boyfriend

Father: What do you see in that boyfriend of yours?
Teen daughter: Well... he’s reliable.
Father: He’s always late picking you up!
Teen daughter: I know and I can always count on it.
Remember when you had to sit in the front room with my dates until I was ready?
Father: Now that you mention it, I’m beginning to like this guy!

It's A Crying Shame

After successfully getting their big line items approved in the congressional spending package, two lobbyists were celebrating at a Washington restaurant.
“You know,” mused one, “it’s a crying shame our grandchildren and great-grandchildren haven’t been born yet so they can see the terrific things the government‘s doing with their money."

Home in no time

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have here, you'll be home in no time."

Uninvited Guest...

A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After awhile a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello, Luv, how about us going for a walk together?"

"How dare you!" said the woman, "I'm not one of your cheap pickups!"

"Well, then," said the beggar, "what are you doing in my bed?"

Robinson Crusoe was the first ...

Robinson Crusoe was the first man to work a five-day week. He got all his work done by Friday!

I'm psychic

I'm psychic. Seeriously.

IRS Audit

The owner of a small New York sandwich deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these travel deductions. You listed six trips to Florida for you and your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "It is a legitimate business expense because we also deliver."
(For those of you who are not in the United States, the IRS is the Internal Revenue Service. Those are the folks to whom we pay our taxes)

Ballerina Costumes

“Costumes are very important for a ballerina. She keeps them in her special tulle box.”

Q: What do you call a nun in a...

Q: What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? A: Virgin Mobile

Who invented the Allen key? I ...

Who invented the Allen key? I have no Ikea.

Picasso's favorite organ

“What's Picasso's favorite organ? The Artery.”

Answering Machine Message 244

Thank you for calling Starfleet Command. No starships are in the quadrant at this time, so at the sound of the subspace tone, tell us your name, the planet you are calling from, and how many Klingons are attacking.

Beer Test

"Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned."

Submitted by Calamjo