Popular jokes (691 to 705)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Women And Golf
2 women were playing golf. On the third hole there was a 4 men in front of them but about 175 yards down the fairway.The first woman said i'll tee off he is far enough away. She hit the drive of her life, like a shot straight down the faraway. She screamed fore at the top of her lungs and as the men turned one was hit solidly. He was rolling on the ground in pain with his hands between his legs.
She ran to him, apologizing and saying "let me help I am a physical therapist." He protested but she got him to put his hands at his side. She unzipped his pants and began massaging him.
"How does that feel?" she asked. He said, "Great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
Wake up call
A man and his wife were having some problems and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he'd need his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. for an early flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper: "Please wake me at 5 a.m."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9 a.m. and he'd missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and scream at his wife when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed that said: "It's 5 a.m. Wake up.
Facelift
This woman goes in for a facelift and the doctor says: "We've got this new method: I put a knob in the back of your head, and every time you feel like you need a lift, just turn it."
She gets the knob implanted and is beautiful for five years.
But one day she notices a problem and returns to the doctor.
"I've got these huge bags under my eyes," she complains.
The surgeon replies: "Those aren't bags; those are your breasts."
"Ah," she sighs. "That explains the goatee."
When they discover the center of the universe
When they discover the center of the universe A blonde, a brunette, and a re...
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. "Hey girls," says the brunette, "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know." The next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time. "That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime." "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught!" A famous sexologist was giving...
A famous sexologist was giving a lecture in front of a big crowd."There are 4 kinds of men when it comes to sex. The first kind does it every day. You can usually recognize him by his masculine body and the constant smile on his face. Do we have anyone like this in the audience?"
A man got up from the audience and he fitted the description: Big firm body with a smile on his face.
"Then there is the second kind. They have sex once a week. They also have a generally happy mood, and look pretty good, but of course not as good as the first kind. Is there any one of them here tonight?".
A second man got up, and he too fitted the description.
"The third kind do it once a month. They are chubby and usually grumpy. Anyone of them here?".
The man that raised from his chair looked exactly like the expert claimed.
"And then there is the 4th kind. They do it once a year. They usually have a big belly, but the thing that is most tipical is that they are in a constant state of depression. I know it would be hard for him to admit, but if there is one of those in the audience, please rise".
A fat and short man stood up, but in contrary to the experts prediction, he looked very cheerful.
"You do it only once a year?" the expert asked.
"Yes, only once a year."
"So why are you so happy?" demanded the expert.
"Well", said the man, cheeringly, "Tonight is the night!"
Problem With Gas
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.
The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!"
The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
A Rabbit walks into the bar, g
A Rabbit walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender and says, "I want a cup of coffee.” The bartender says, "We don’t serve coffee here"So the Rabbit leaves, but when he leaves he sees two friends entering the bar so he joins them. His friends ask for a beer and sandwich but the rabbit says "I wanna cup of coffee"
The bartender says, "We don’t serve coffee here"
So the rabbit leaves again, but he sees two more friends so he joins them in the bar. His friends order a beer and a sandwich but the Rabbit still says, "I want a cup of coffee"
"Look,” says the bartender "we don’t serve coffee here. Now leave or I will nail your ears to the bar!"
So the rabbit leaves, but he yet again sees two more friends and enters the bar.
But this time the rabbit says, "Do you have a hammer?"
"No" replies the bartender
Do you have any nails?"
"No"
"Then I want a cup of coffee"
Oak
A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"
The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?" the young woman asks.
"Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."
Pussy vs Cunt
What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?A pussy is warm soft and wonderful and a cunt's the thing that owns it.
Cork Screw
Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew. "Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."
"Like what?" Martin said.
"All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.
"Well, what's yours like?" Martin said.
"Straight, like normal," Gary said.
"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said.
Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants. "What did you do that for?" Martin said.
"Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal."
"&%$#@ !," Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."
Fish Jokes 05
What kind of money do fishermen make?Net profits!
What do you get if you cross a salmon, a bird's leg and a hand?
Birdsthigh fish fingers!
What kind of noise annoys an oyster?
A noisy noise annoys an oyster! (Try saying that fast!)
What kind of fish goes well with ice-cream?
Jellyfish!
What did the boy fish say to his girlfriend?
'Your plaice or mine'!
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the 'Kelp-wanted' adds!
Why is a fish easy to weigh?
Because it has its own scales!
Why are fish boots the warmest ones to wear?
Because they have electric 'eels!
Why are dolphins cleverer than humans?
Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish!
To whom do fish go to borrow money?
The loan shark!
How do you make a Maltese cros...
How do you make a Maltese cross?Peter Welsh, Juniper Green
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