Popular jokes (691 to 705)

People make time for who they want to

People make time for who they want to make time for. People text, call and reply to people they want to talk to. Never believe anyone who says they’re too busy. If they wanted to be around you, they would. ~ Author Unknown

Source: SimpleRemiders

Sometimes...

Sometimes... when you cry... no one sees your tears .
Sometimes... when you are worried... no one sees your pain.
Sometimes... when you are happy... no one sees your smile.
But fart just one time...

Old Josh was sat in his garden...

Old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.
"If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you ten dollars," said Josh.
His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.
About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars.
"But grandpa," said the boy, "you've already given me the ten dollars you promised."
"That's from your grandma," said Josh.

A mathematician leaves a conference only to find...

A mathematician leaves a conference only to find that the last train has gone.

Being a devout Christian, he falls to his knees and prays: "God, if it lies within your will, please send me a way to get home tonight!".

To his astonishment, there is a swirl of ethereal music, and an angel descends from the clouds, and moments later a shiny black Audi appears where it wasn't before. "Hail, thou who has found favour with the Lord!" proclaims the angel. "Here is your way home" - and the angel hands him the keys to the Audi.

An hour or so later, the mathematician is parking outside his house, and he once again kneels and prays, "Lord, who has heard my prayer and been gracious unto me, I now ask that you take back this gift. I only wanted to get home, and you have done all that I could have asked - so let me not be tempted by the desire for material gains."

There is another swirl of ethereal music, and a still more glorious creature appears. The mathematician bows reverently, and says "Have I the honour of addressing Michael, or are you Gabriel?"

"Why do you ask?" says the radiant figure.

"Because," says the mathematician, "if you are here to undo the function of an angel, you must be an arcangel."

Take Your Kid To Work Day

An 8 year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take your kid to work Day'.
As they walked round the office she started crying and getting cranky.
Her father asked what was wrong.
As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"

IT'S FINALLY FRIDAY!

IT'S FINALLY FRIDAY!

Who Gets What?

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her math classes:
"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"
After a very long silence in the classroom, little Morris raised his hand. The teacher called on Morris for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, little Morris answered, "A good lawyer."

A guy from the New York City was cruising...

A guy from the New York City was cruising at high speed down a Georgia back road he crested a hill and hit 2 hitchhiking hippies.

One flew 50 feet off the road and into a field, the other smashed through the windshield ending up in the back seat. The sheriff showed up and the very nervous New York City guy asked the sheriff what the charges might be.

After the sheriff surveyed the scene and noted the two were long haired hippies he turned to the NYC guy and said, “well we’ll charge the first one with leaving the scene of an accident and the second one with breaking and entering.

The Marriage of Miss Bad Breath and Mr. Smelly Feet

A young couple, madly in love, decided to get married. But as the wedding day neared, both grew increasingly nervous over secret problems they had never shared with anyone. Privately, the groom-to-be approached his minister.“I’m really concerned about this marriage,” the young man said.“Don’t you love her?” the pastor asked in surprise.“Of course,” the groom said. “But I have unbelievably smelly feet—and I’m afraid my fiancée won’t be able to stand them.”“Oh, is that all?” the pastor replied. “Look, all you need to do is wash your feet twice a day and wear socks all the time.”The groom thought it over and decided it just might work.Meanwhile, the nervous bride had privately approached the minister’s wife. “I’m so worried,” she sobbed. “I have really bad breath when I wake up each day!”“Oh, dear,” the pastor’s wife replied,” everyone has bad breath in the morning. Don’t worry about it.”“No, you don’t understand,” the bride implored. “My morning breath is so awful, my fiancé won’t even want to be near me!”“Well, I have an idea,” the pastor’s wife said soothingly. “Set your alarm just a few minutes before your husband wakes up. Run to the bathroom, brush your teeth, and gargle with mouthwash before he gets out of bed. The key is not to say anything until you’ve taken care of your breath.”The bride thought it over and decided it just might work.In time, a beautiful wedding was held and the bride and groom enjoyed the day without once worrying about their secret problems. For several months they managed to keep their issues to themselves. They one morning, the husband awoke before dawn to find that one of his socks had come off in the night. Frantic, he searched the bed, afraid of what might happen if he didn’t find his sock soon. His bride woke with a start, and, without thinking, blurted out, “What in the world are you doing?”“Oh, dear!” the young man wailed. “You swallowed my sock!”

Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection...

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!

Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion...

Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please...

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit...

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

Wet joke

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled.
"I'm so wet, give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

Doing Nothing

Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Nothing.
Wife: You did that yesterday.
Me: I wasn't finished.

The first thing i do when i wake up

The first thing i do when i wake up: Try to sleep again!

Well isn't that nice...

Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one from Mississippi and the other from Texas, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The Mississippian said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me." The Texan lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The lady from Mississippi continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."

Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did you husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

The Texas lady replied, "My husband sent me to charm school."

"Charm school!" the first woman cried. "Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"

The Texas lady responded, "So that instead of saying, 'who gives a crap,' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'"